I have come to realize that I have a very special daughter who has been through a lot and still tends to shine through it all. Even though both my daughter and son have had to deal with a great deal of change throughout the years my daughter has always been able to keep her head up. She has a true optimistic spirit within her that keeps her always looking toward the positive even when things don't look good. My son on the other hand was more like me a realist that knew that bad things happen to us and that is just part of life.
With all of trials and tribulations that have been dealt to our family, my daughter has proven to be the strongest and sometimes the glue that held us all together. Even after the death of my son, she held it together not just for her sake but for the sake of both her mom and I. Being there for her mom even if she was shutting her out for most part of it until recently when she has been coming out from under the cloud that was hanging over her head for the past 6 mos. My daughter was there for all the hand holding when it was required and giving space when that was all that was needed.
As for me my life over the years has been set with all that I could possibly handle the lost of both parents. Two failed marriages and now the lost of my son. Through it all I tried to keep it all together but it has been difficult. After the divorce of my first wife I had fallen into a rut of sorts trying to forget about a failed marriage and being a absentee father to a certain degree. Even after going through another marriage which brought a whole new set of issues to overcome I still was failing as being a parent. Then finally when my son came to live with me things started to make amends little by little.
As for my daughter I will have to admit with my son living with me he was getting all of my attention but I still kept in contact with her and even felt guilty if I hadn't spoken to her for a few days or as much as a week. I realize now that even though my son had most of my attention my daughter wasn't far from my thoughts as were the roles reversed in Ex's house with my daughter and son. But now that he is gone all we both have is my daughter and for all that she is to us she is a Godsend in so many ways.
Since my son has gone the bond between the two of us has grown so much with the daily calls even to the point of her being my back-up alarm for me she is just too good to me. We have spent a lot more time with each other taking her on her errands and as she puts it is always an adventure going with me kind of like a little kids fascination with making a trip to the store with dad. But for me I have to say the thing that I have enjoyed the most is that fact that now for the past few months I have been picking her to come over to my house and we would spend time together. Whether it be just kicking back at home or on little shopping trips I can say that if it wasn't for those weekly visits just the two of us my life would be pretty empty and know that my daughter loves and always will.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Taking time off to finally rest.
After six long months of working to take my mind off of my loss my body has finally said I need to take a break. I have been working so much just to keep myself keep occupied and help me to take my mind off of my loss. In most part that was working okay but I couldn't keep up at that rate with little to no rest in between. So now is the time to take it off and try to deal with other things in my life and try to close up other areas.
During that time I have had the opportunity to have my daughter come and spend some time with me mainly watching disaster movies but also when I had my fridge delivered, she was there to help me out cleaning it out and getting ready for the new one that was being delivered that day. I have learned to really appreciate the time we spend together and in essence it was like starting over again getting close to each other, and although I wish it would of happened under better circumstances I am truly glad that we are doing it now.
I had just realized that the 6 month mark had come and gone and I didn't even realize that it had only cause I spent the day with my daughter again and being that we were together just goofing off and watching, yes you guessed it another disaster movie series. The day passed by without even a thought about my son, I kind of feel guilty that it happened but maybe the quality time I was spending with her was good cause it kept the sadness out or even give it a chance to re-appear to put a damper on my day.
I do truly miss him and wish I could her from him again but I know that may never happen. I am glad that his mom was able to get some words of encouragement to be able to finally to start to move on even though it may still take some time for her, cause I am still going through that healing process. I wish that I could be able to get rid of all the guilt I feel inside and know that there was nothing that I could have done that would of changed the outcome. Because I feel like I let everyone down cause he died under my care and under my watch, there is no amount of blame that anyone can throw on me that I haven't done already, and now all I can do is try to put my mind at ease which I doubt I will ever be able to do totally.
I will be picking up my daughter up again tomorrow partly for a building project and mostly to spend time with her and even though we talk a lot on the phone or online or even on our little adventures to the stores which we both agree is more then just running errands it is time to hang out and just goof off making each other laugh. I really enjoy those times as much as if we were spending it going to the movies or any other place of interest. One thing I do know is that I am truly grateful for her being in my life because after the loss of Josh I think I would of taken my own life if it wasn't for her to be there to pick up the pieces in my life. She is the one true reason I have hung on this long and will continue to believe that there are still things worth living for out there. I Love You Mija more then you will ever know. Cause you have become the glue that holds my life together and for that I am truly grateful.
During that time I have had the opportunity to have my daughter come and spend some time with me mainly watching disaster movies but also when I had my fridge delivered, she was there to help me out cleaning it out and getting ready for the new one that was being delivered that day. I have learned to really appreciate the time we spend together and in essence it was like starting over again getting close to each other, and although I wish it would of happened under better circumstances I am truly glad that we are doing it now.
I had just realized that the 6 month mark had come and gone and I didn't even realize that it had only cause I spent the day with my daughter again and being that we were together just goofing off and watching, yes you guessed it another disaster movie series. The day passed by without even a thought about my son, I kind of feel guilty that it happened but maybe the quality time I was spending with her was good cause it kept the sadness out or even give it a chance to re-appear to put a damper on my day.
I do truly miss him and wish I could her from him again but I know that may never happen. I am glad that his mom was able to get some words of encouragement to be able to finally to start to move on even though it may still take some time for her, cause I am still going through that healing process. I wish that I could be able to get rid of all the guilt I feel inside and know that there was nothing that I could have done that would of changed the outcome. Because I feel like I let everyone down cause he died under my care and under my watch, there is no amount of blame that anyone can throw on me that I haven't done already, and now all I can do is try to put my mind at ease which I doubt I will ever be able to do totally.
I will be picking up my daughter up again tomorrow partly for a building project and mostly to spend time with her and even though we talk a lot on the phone or online or even on our little adventures to the stores which we both agree is more then just running errands it is time to hang out and just goof off making each other laugh. I really enjoy those times as much as if we were spending it going to the movies or any other place of interest. One thing I do know is that I am truly grateful for her being in my life because after the loss of Josh I think I would of taken my own life if it wasn't for her to be there to pick up the pieces in my life. She is the one true reason I have hung on this long and will continue to believe that there are still things worth living for out there. I Love You Mija more then you will ever know. Cause you have become the glue that holds my life together and for that I am truly grateful.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
The End of Another Chapter
All things came to an end and for me this year has been one ending after another. The year started out wanting things that I had put off for some time well that dream came to an abrupt ending due lack of funds. Whatever amount I had were dissolved because funds had to be used for other more pressing purposes.
After so many years of separation we finally decided to go ahead and file for the divorce. It was time to finally put an end to that chapter in our lives an although I may have had my reason for keeping it that way for so long in the end I guess everything happens for a reason. I know that I was told by far too many people that I was a fool and they would of cut her off long before I ever did. But I had my reasons and wouldn't go against it unless she was ready to finally file. I am not sure what that is at the moment, but whatever it ends up it is all in the past now.
Well as she had finally decided it was time to move on cause there was nothing left to hang on to and I was in agreement with her on that fact. We finally took the steps to get it done and as it turned out it was a amicable divorce neither party was out to screw the other and we still part as friends. Hopefully all will end well and their will be no problems in the future. As for me I guess I was kind of numb at first cause as much as the marriage was over there was a part of me that hated the fact that this was my second failed attempt at a happy marriage
I remember discussing this with my kids from my first marriage about now all I had to was wait the required 6 month period for it to be final. They both wondered why it was going to to have to take that long for it to be final and all I could say is that I guess it is what they call the cooling off period in case either party or both change their mind about getting divorce. This way they don't have to get re-married all over again.
So now all I had to do was play the waiting game until the eventful day finally made it way closer to the end. Along the way we lost some family members her brother-in-law and my son both suddenly and only weeks apart from each other death. The pain of losing my son still hurts inside but I guess I am learning how to deal with it a little more each day.
With all of this going on there were still the constant new issues that were going on at work that were definitely taking it's toll on my monthly income. I guess sooner or later I will have to make adjustments to my monthly expenses to compensate for the decrease in funds. But maybe I have just living to costly and life and need to really take step back and make the changes to cut things out.
This summer has come and it almost gone but that eventful day came and left without even as much as a thought about it. I guess I have seen too many people go through amicable divorces and when that day arrives there usually a certain amount of sadness that goes with it but for me it was nothing more then a joking session of me finally being able to call myself single again. Of course that is not what I truly feel cause I guess I have been kind of dead inside for a long time. Just numb enough to not really feel anything.
So now my life begins again no longer married, or separated but officially Divorced and Single again for the first time in over 15 yrs. Although I am not looking to change that anytime soon i am also not shutting the door to the possibility sometime in the future. I have been through a lot this past year and now starts that new chapter of being Single again. I only wish my son was here with me to not have start this out all alone. I really miss him and nothing that happens to me in the future will mean a whole lot without him here to share it. So for now all I can do is only take it one day at a time as I have done since he died.
After so many years of separation we finally decided to go ahead and file for the divorce. It was time to finally put an end to that chapter in our lives an although I may have had my reason for keeping it that way for so long in the end I guess everything happens for a reason. I know that I was told by far too many people that I was a fool and they would of cut her off long before I ever did. But I had my reasons and wouldn't go against it unless she was ready to finally file. I am not sure what that is at the moment, but whatever it ends up it is all in the past now.
Well as she had finally decided it was time to move on cause there was nothing left to hang on to and I was in agreement with her on that fact. We finally took the steps to get it done and as it turned out it was a amicable divorce neither party was out to screw the other and we still part as friends. Hopefully all will end well and their will be no problems in the future. As for me I guess I was kind of numb at first cause as much as the marriage was over there was a part of me that hated the fact that this was my second failed attempt at a happy marriage
I remember discussing this with my kids from my first marriage about now all I had to was wait the required 6 month period for it to be final. They both wondered why it was going to to have to take that long for it to be final and all I could say is that I guess it is what they call the cooling off period in case either party or both change their mind about getting divorce. This way they don't have to get re-married all over again.
So now all I had to do was play the waiting game until the eventful day finally made it way closer to the end. Along the way we lost some family members her brother-in-law and my son both suddenly and only weeks apart from each other death. The pain of losing my son still hurts inside but I guess I am learning how to deal with it a little more each day.
With all of this going on there were still the constant new issues that were going on at work that were definitely taking it's toll on my monthly income. I guess sooner or later I will have to make adjustments to my monthly expenses to compensate for the decrease in funds. But maybe I have just living to costly and life and need to really take step back and make the changes to cut things out.
This summer has come and it almost gone but that eventful day came and left without even as much as a thought about it. I guess I have seen too many people go through amicable divorces and when that day arrives there usually a certain amount of sadness that goes with it but for me it was nothing more then a joking session of me finally being able to call myself single again. Of course that is not what I truly feel cause I guess I have been kind of dead inside for a long time. Just numb enough to not really feel anything.
So now my life begins again no longer married, or separated but officially Divorced and Single again for the first time in over 15 yrs. Although I am not looking to change that anytime soon i am also not shutting the door to the possibility sometime in the future. I have been through a lot this past year and now starts that new chapter of being Single again. I only wish my son was here with me to not have start this out all alone. I really miss him and nothing that happens to me in the future will mean a whole lot without him here to share it. So for now all I can do is only take it one day at a time as I have done since he died.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
My Apology to the one that matters the most to me.
I have just finished reading a very sad and touching story. I only wish I could that things could be different but unfortunately they are not. As anyone who may have read my previous blog they would know that I recently lost my son and has turned my life upside down. I have been in this fog for the past few months and it is starting to take it's toll on my me. I struggle each day to get started partly cause I am lazy and mostly cause I just can't seem to want to crawl out of bed to pretend that my life is okay and that I am getting over the pain of this loss of him in my life. But this is something that will be with me for some time to come no matter I try to put it behind me it is always going to be there. I know that over time this pain will subside and be easier to deal with, but in the meantime I continue to present the charade of pretending that I am okay.
But that is another story altogether, this message is dedicated to my loving daughter who I have grown to enjoy all our conversations and little outings we have had over the past few months, even though they may be only for errands of some sort we have learned to make the most of it. I am truly grateful that she is in my life and I don't want to hurt her in anyway, but sometimes during our conversations things that come out my tend to really make her sad. I don't always realize that the idle words that come out of your mouth can do more damage to them then if you did them on purpose.
So to my beautiful daughter I just want to say that I am truly sorry for being so down on my life in front of you. You deserve the same shoulder to cry on that both your mother and I have been dumping on you. I always wonder how you are truly holding up and you always reassure me that you are doing well and that you have your friends to help you pick your spirits up. With both your mom and I dealing with this in our own ways I know that you had to be going through a lot more then you ever led on to. I just want you to know that I am a good listener too not just someone to spend time with. I love you with all my heart and don't want you to suffer any additional pains on account of me.
What I have learned to appreciate are those people in your life that are always around to help you up and dust you off and then send you off on your merry way. These are the type of people that are truly to be cherished. Well my daughter is one of those people for me in my life cause without her comforting words to me I think I would of given up on my life a long time ago after my son died. I really am grateful for her being that person for me. I only wish that I could return the favor to her. I know that she is trying to do her best being there for her mother and then me on the side.
I just want to leave this little note. We seldom know how we affect other peoples lives and how much they may appreciate people them, but every once in a while it would be nice to just let them know what they mean to you and how much easier life has been with them in our lives. So here is to you my Mija I love you and appreciate you more then you will ever know. I will always be there for you and I know that we will all get through this and don't forget if you need a shoulder to cry on you can always call me and I promise that things will be different and maybe even venture out to a movie providing it is something that I will enjoy too.
Family is something that we all need to hang on to cause who can love us more then our own family, and if we hold strong to that we will be able to endure most things in our life. I know I can't promise to be around forever but I will definitely try my best to be there for you.
But that is another story altogether, this message is dedicated to my loving daughter who I have grown to enjoy all our conversations and little outings we have had over the past few months, even though they may be only for errands of some sort we have learned to make the most of it. I am truly grateful that she is in my life and I don't want to hurt her in anyway, but sometimes during our conversations things that come out my tend to really make her sad. I don't always realize that the idle words that come out of your mouth can do more damage to them then if you did them on purpose.
So to my beautiful daughter I just want to say that I am truly sorry for being so down on my life in front of you. You deserve the same shoulder to cry on that both your mother and I have been dumping on you. I always wonder how you are truly holding up and you always reassure me that you are doing well and that you have your friends to help you pick your spirits up. With both your mom and I dealing with this in our own ways I know that you had to be going through a lot more then you ever led on to. I just want you to know that I am a good listener too not just someone to spend time with. I love you with all my heart and don't want you to suffer any additional pains on account of me.
What I have learned to appreciate are those people in your life that are always around to help you up and dust you off and then send you off on your merry way. These are the type of people that are truly to be cherished. Well my daughter is one of those people for me in my life cause without her comforting words to me I think I would of given up on my life a long time ago after my son died. I really am grateful for her being that person for me. I only wish that I could return the favor to her. I know that she is trying to do her best being there for her mother and then me on the side.
I just want to leave this little note. We seldom know how we affect other peoples lives and how much they may appreciate people them, but every once in a while it would be nice to just let them know what they mean to you and how much easier life has been with them in our lives. So here is to you my Mija I love you and appreciate you more then you will ever know. I will always be there for you and I know that we will all get through this and don't forget if you need a shoulder to cry on you can always call me and I promise that things will be different and maybe even venture out to a movie providing it is something that I will enjoy too.
Family is something that we all need to hang on to cause who can love us more then our own family, and if we hold strong to that we will be able to endure most things in our life. I know I can't promise to be around forever but I will definitely try my best to be there for you.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
No Relief in sight
I start each day wondering why I am still here and he is gone and I can't help but thinking that it wasn't fair that he was taken away so young before he really was able to enjoy his life. I know he had medical problems but he should of been allowed to live long enough to enjoy his life. I have been able to enjoy things in life and he was taken far to soon to have that opportunity.
I come home everyday after work and do all I can to keep from bouncing off the walls or going crazy knowing that I am all alone once again and wishing not to wake up in the morning because the pain of going on is just too painful. I try to block things out when I am at work and doing a pretty good job of with all the distraction but once I get home I feel like I just can' t take it anymore. I just want to be finally put out of my misery of not having him here with me.
I know I have a beautiful daughter in which I have loved spending time with when I can but even as much as I love her and grateful for having her in my life it still doesn't really replace the fact that I no longer have my living with me and every time I walk into his room all I can see is him lying there for the last time lifeless knowing that he had to be all alone when this happen and I couldn't even be there to help him.
And even now all I want to do is here his voice one more time knowing full well that may never happen. So all I have is that last image of him in my head and I just can't seem to shake it out of my mind. I really do wish that it had been me that was taken and not him cause I wanted him to get better and their was just no relief in sight and things only got steadily worse as the days went by.
It has been over 4 months now and all I want is for the pain to go away but how can I ever hope that healing will ever take place when I couldn't even count on the healing to take place in his life and give him a fighting chance to live out his life. Some days all I can do is hate God for taking him away from me and other times I just don't know any more what to believe. All I know that my faith was finally crushed by this and I am not sure I will ever recover from this loss in my life.
All I can do is wish that some day this will all come to an end an I can finally start the rebuilding that is needed for me to really recover from this loss and not have to mask my sadness that I keep to myself. But for the mean time all I can say is that there is no relief in sight for me at the moment. All I can do is wait until I can finally block out that image of him for good and only remember all the happy times. To be able to keep him close to my heart with nothing but thoughts of happier times when he was still around.
For all of you that know what I am going through I now really understand the fact of losing a child which in my opinion is far greater then losing a parent in which I have lost both of mine and now my son. And for those of you that still have your children and parents I wish that you never have to suffer this type of pain ever in your life.
I come home everyday after work and do all I can to keep from bouncing off the walls or going crazy knowing that I am all alone once again and wishing not to wake up in the morning because the pain of going on is just too painful. I try to block things out when I am at work and doing a pretty good job of with all the distraction but once I get home I feel like I just can' t take it anymore. I just want to be finally put out of my misery of not having him here with me.
I know I have a beautiful daughter in which I have loved spending time with when I can but even as much as I love her and grateful for having her in my life it still doesn't really replace the fact that I no longer have my living with me and every time I walk into his room all I can see is him lying there for the last time lifeless knowing that he had to be all alone when this happen and I couldn't even be there to help him.
And even now all I want to do is here his voice one more time knowing full well that may never happen. So all I have is that last image of him in my head and I just can't seem to shake it out of my mind. I really do wish that it had been me that was taken and not him cause I wanted him to get better and their was just no relief in sight and things only got steadily worse as the days went by.
It has been over 4 months now and all I want is for the pain to go away but how can I ever hope that healing will ever take place when I couldn't even count on the healing to take place in his life and give him a fighting chance to live out his life. Some days all I can do is hate God for taking him away from me and other times I just don't know any more what to believe. All I know that my faith was finally crushed by this and I am not sure I will ever recover from this loss in my life.
All I can do is wish that some day this will all come to an end an I can finally start the rebuilding that is needed for me to really recover from this loss and not have to mask my sadness that I keep to myself. But for the mean time all I can say is that there is no relief in sight for me at the moment. All I can do is wait until I can finally block out that image of him for good and only remember all the happy times. To be able to keep him close to my heart with nothing but thoughts of happier times when he was still around.
For all of you that know what I am going through I now really understand the fact of losing a child which in my opinion is far greater then losing a parent in which I have lost both of mine and now my son. And for those of you that still have your children and parents I wish that you never have to suffer this type of pain ever in your life.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
My Life without Josh
My life was turned upside down well more so then it usually has been. On April 6 th of this year my son passed away far too young for my concern. An over three months later we finally got a idea of why he died but still no official report has been sent out to us. Since that day my life has been a messed of mixed up emotions from sadness to bitterness for him dying so young. Although I know I shouldn't I have built up this feeling of failure as a father for not taking better care of him and watching after him more attentively but he was 27 and had a mind of his own. I have been told to stop blaming myself but there is just something about all of this that has taking it's toll on me.
His mom well she has been resigned to isolation and as much as I hurt I can't live that way I have to go to work and try to make it through each day as best as I can. If it means working to take my mind off of it then that is what I am will do, I try to joke around at work or just act silly from time to time so I can bury the hurt from coming out and exposing my weakness toward all of the hurt I feel inside. And I really feel for my daughter cause she has to be around all of the sadness that is overpowering her house due to her mom's deep depressions she tends to get into over all of this. I love my daughter very much and have learned to try to talk to her as much as I can everyday to maybe act as a buffer for her but she does fine on her own. She just buries herself in her books and reads the day away.
I am guilty of the pity party from time to time too and yes mainly around that time of the month cause it just brings back all the memories of it all. My friends and family try to get me to come out of the house and do stuff but during those times I would just rather be alone. I know they mean well but until you have been through it and actually feel the pain I don't think anyone should just say you have to move on and life goes on. I mean yeah those are nice things to say but they are just not that easy to do and until they understand that I don't care to have them say it.
Since he has been gone I have had one mishap after another. First my car has a problem and needs to be serviced then my Refrigerator craps out and has to be replaced all bad things but nothing that can't be taken care of a mechanic or replacing the old with a new fridge. But when it came to my computer starting to have problems it sent my life in turmoil over the whole issue. This was something that my son always took care for me and now I was going to have to fend for my self and although it was an easy project it still required opening it up and replacing the part and getting to install.
Well both my CD-Rom and DVD-Rom drives crapped out around the same time. I had to order them online since my computer is such a dinosaur, don't get me wrong it is a P4 but still it is 8 yrs old. Before my son died we had been talking about me getting another more up to date computer that would make my old one look like it was still on dial up. It should of been just a easy installation you know the plug an play type of installation but the darn computer didn't want to recognize the drive I tried everything I knew of and now I see why my son use to get so mad when his computer was acting up and the fustration raised to near rage levels and to finally defeat and considering just buying a new computer altogether like I had been wanting to do all along.
I tried again the next day but this time with a little more success I still think that there is something wrong with my computer but it will have to keep for the moment. I have to send back the other drive cause it was not compatible with my system and had I read it about it closer I might of realized that. I am still going to be looking into a new computer but now I can hold off a little while longer.
These are the times that are really hard to deal with because he was more then just a son to me he was my companion and as I stated before my very own Tech Person for all my computer issues. I truly miss all the times we had together and all pain of watching him in anquish when the pain was too great to handle. For whatever it is worth I am truly lost without him in my life, and I can only try to make the best of the rest of my life without him here with me to keep me company. I only wish that it didn't have to end that way cause he deserved more out of life then life ever gave him and I fight with the resentment every day knowing that I sat back helpless cause I didn't know what he was keeping from me his last few months. I miss you Josh and will always love you.
His mom well she has been resigned to isolation and as much as I hurt I can't live that way I have to go to work and try to make it through each day as best as I can. If it means working to take my mind off of it then that is what I am will do, I try to joke around at work or just act silly from time to time so I can bury the hurt from coming out and exposing my weakness toward all of the hurt I feel inside. And I really feel for my daughter cause she has to be around all of the sadness that is overpowering her house due to her mom's deep depressions she tends to get into over all of this. I love my daughter very much and have learned to try to talk to her as much as I can everyday to maybe act as a buffer for her but she does fine on her own. She just buries herself in her books and reads the day away.
I am guilty of the pity party from time to time too and yes mainly around that time of the month cause it just brings back all the memories of it all. My friends and family try to get me to come out of the house and do stuff but during those times I would just rather be alone. I know they mean well but until you have been through it and actually feel the pain I don't think anyone should just say you have to move on and life goes on. I mean yeah those are nice things to say but they are just not that easy to do and until they understand that I don't care to have them say it.
Since he has been gone I have had one mishap after another. First my car has a problem and needs to be serviced then my Refrigerator craps out and has to be replaced all bad things but nothing that can't be taken care of a mechanic or replacing the old with a new fridge. But when it came to my computer starting to have problems it sent my life in turmoil over the whole issue. This was something that my son always took care for me and now I was going to have to fend for my self and although it was an easy project it still required opening it up and replacing the part and getting to install.
Well both my CD-Rom and DVD-Rom drives crapped out around the same time. I had to order them online since my computer is such a dinosaur, don't get me wrong it is a P4 but still it is 8 yrs old. Before my son died we had been talking about me getting another more up to date computer that would make my old one look like it was still on dial up. It should of been just a easy installation you know the plug an play type of installation but the darn computer didn't want to recognize the drive I tried everything I knew of and now I see why my son use to get so mad when his computer was acting up and the fustration raised to near rage levels and to finally defeat and considering just buying a new computer altogether like I had been wanting to do all along.
I tried again the next day but this time with a little more success I still think that there is something wrong with my computer but it will have to keep for the moment. I have to send back the other drive cause it was not compatible with my system and had I read it about it closer I might of realized that. I am still going to be looking into a new computer but now I can hold off a little while longer.
These are the times that are really hard to deal with because he was more then just a son to me he was my companion and as I stated before my very own Tech Person for all my computer issues. I truly miss all the times we had together and all pain of watching him in anquish when the pain was too great to handle. For whatever it is worth I am truly lost without him in my life, and I can only try to make the best of the rest of my life without him here with me to keep me company. I only wish that it didn't have to end that way cause he deserved more out of life then life ever gave him and I fight with the resentment every day knowing that I sat back helpless cause I didn't know what he was keeping from me his last few months. I miss you Josh and will always love you.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
When will this pain finally go away
It has been 2 months now and I keep wondering how much longer is my heart going to hurt like this. The pain I feel inside sometimes gets to be so bad that I wish I would never wake up but I know that my son would want me to live on. Sometimes it just seems easier to just give up and not care or feel anymore. I know that I must go on but I think I am fighting a losing battle of wills here. The strong side gets me up every day and helps me make it through the day but the weak side of me just wants to crawl in a bed wasting away feeling sorry for myself for his loss and then there is the other part that is just filled with anger and bitterness for him being taken away from me.
Believe me when I say this I even feel guilty for days when I have a normal day cause I feel I should still be mourning his death and not enjoying life or at least attempting to enjoy it. I mean really I haven't gone anywhere special to say that I don't allow myself to go out and do things with others with the exception of visiting my Daughter and Ex at least once a week. I wish things were better but there is so much going on in my life that are on the negative side that I just feel like I am sinking into all the crap that keeps coming my way.
At work I have friends that I talk to and sometimes even joke around with but all it takes is just a little reminder of my son and I start falling in that tailspin again. I know that people keep telling me to get out or even get away for a little while but I really have no desire to do any of that all I can do is deal with it in my own way and in my own time trying to be strong when I can and allowing myself those moments of mourning and remembering him for all that he meant to me.
As I had stated in previous blogs he was everything to me my son , friend, my computer tech person but most of all he was my reason for living cause I cared so much for him that when he died I felt like a big part of me died with him. I can only hope for whatever it is worth I will be able to get along without him. Cause as of right now I really don't see that happening or at least not for some time to come.
Believe me when I say this I even feel guilty for days when I have a normal day cause I feel I should still be mourning his death and not enjoying life or at least attempting to enjoy it. I mean really I haven't gone anywhere special to say that I don't allow myself to go out and do things with others with the exception of visiting my Daughter and Ex at least once a week. I wish things were better but there is so much going on in my life that are on the negative side that I just feel like I am sinking into all the crap that keeps coming my way.
At work I have friends that I talk to and sometimes even joke around with but all it takes is just a little reminder of my son and I start falling in that tailspin again. I know that people keep telling me to get out or even get away for a little while but I really have no desire to do any of that all I can do is deal with it in my own way and in my own time trying to be strong when I can and allowing myself those moments of mourning and remembering him for all that he meant to me.
As I had stated in previous blogs he was everything to me my son , friend, my computer tech person but most of all he was my reason for living cause I cared so much for him that when he died I felt like a big part of me died with him. I can only hope for whatever it is worth I will be able to get along without him. Cause as of right now I really don't see that happening or at least not for some time to come.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Dealing with the Emptiness
Feeling the emptiness inside my heart since my son has died is taking it's toll on me. I have moments when I am doing okay or at least I pretend I am okay but deep down I can't shake the pain of the emptiness I feel that dictates how my day will go. I get up every day and struggle to get started cause my routine has changed since my son passed away.
My son was a big part of my life and one of the main reason for living. He had become such a major part of my life since he moved in with me 5 yrs ago. It was my second chance to get to know him better and we had become so close to each other that we pretty much spent most of my time at home together. Because basically all we had were each other and the reason being that both Josh and I were loners in our own way. He had what friends he had online and I basically had a few friends I talked with but never really went anywhere with them. So we had to rely on each other to for the up close one on one.
When Josh was diagnosed with Diabetes and various other problems I felt for him but never more than in his last few months when he was in a lot of pain and I felt helpless cause I couldn't do anything to make his life better or to be less in pain. All I could do is sit there pray for the pain to go away and that he wouldn't suffer anymore. I really regret that I didn't do more for him and now that he is gone I only have that empty feeling that comes when something is ripped out of your life without warning. And for all my prayers and wishes I was left resentful that his life was cut short.
So today on of all days Memorial day I am left her to remember my son and the life he lived. For all the friends that loved him and were touched by his spirit of putting others first before himself. I will always love my son and for all he has brought to my life, from his loving nature to his computer savvy that helped me when I had a problem. His presence will be truly missed by myself his sister and mother who had to settle with loving him from afar. I am sure the three of us will carry that last day with him in our hearts forever.
So now as sit here thinking about my loss and the emptiness that I feel I can only say that it will be a long time before that emptiness goes away if it goes away at all. For those of you that know what I am talking about I feel for you and for those who have not experienced this type of loss I hope that you never have to cause the pain is greater than any one person can handle on their own. For which I am trying to do when I say that I am taking it day by day and hoping that someday the pain will dull to an amount I can deal with. I know I will get over this cause I have lost both my Father and Mother in my life but the hardest to swallow was the loss of my son and always will be.
Some day I will look back at this time in my life as part of the lowest of my life and know that some how I was able to get through this with all of the pain that was caused. I only hope that I will be a stronger person for making it but only time will tell. Cause if I have learned anything from this experience is that no one knows when there time will come and I only hope that I will have touch those lives I have come in contact with as my son did with his life.
My son was a big part of my life and one of the main reason for living. He had become such a major part of my life since he moved in with me 5 yrs ago. It was my second chance to get to know him better and we had become so close to each other that we pretty much spent most of my time at home together. Because basically all we had were each other and the reason being that both Josh and I were loners in our own way. He had what friends he had online and I basically had a few friends I talked with but never really went anywhere with them. So we had to rely on each other to for the up close one on one.
When Josh was diagnosed with Diabetes and various other problems I felt for him but never more than in his last few months when he was in a lot of pain and I felt helpless cause I couldn't do anything to make his life better or to be less in pain. All I could do is sit there pray for the pain to go away and that he wouldn't suffer anymore. I really regret that I didn't do more for him and now that he is gone I only have that empty feeling that comes when something is ripped out of your life without warning. And for all my prayers and wishes I was left resentful that his life was cut short.
So today on of all days Memorial day I am left her to remember my son and the life he lived. For all the friends that loved him and were touched by his spirit of putting others first before himself. I will always love my son and for all he has brought to my life, from his loving nature to his computer savvy that helped me when I had a problem. His presence will be truly missed by myself his sister and mother who had to settle with loving him from afar. I am sure the three of us will carry that last day with him in our hearts forever.
So now as sit here thinking about my loss and the emptiness that I feel I can only say that it will be a long time before that emptiness goes away if it goes away at all. For those of you that know what I am talking about I feel for you and for those who have not experienced this type of loss I hope that you never have to cause the pain is greater than any one person can handle on their own. For which I am trying to do when I say that I am taking it day by day and hoping that someday the pain will dull to an amount I can deal with. I know I will get over this cause I have lost both my Father and Mother in my life but the hardest to swallow was the loss of my son and always will be.
Some day I will look back at this time in my life as part of the lowest of my life and know that some how I was able to get through this with all of the pain that was caused. I only hope that I will be a stronger person for making it but only time will tell. Cause if I have learned anything from this experience is that no one knows when there time will come and I only hope that I will have touch those lives I have come in contact with as my son did with his life.
Friday, April 24, 2009
A Happy Birthday that wasn't
Today was my son's birthday and instead of being a happy moment for me it was a very sad day and although I spent the day with his mom and sister I can't seem to forget the emptiness I felt inside knowing that Josh was no longer there to participate in the event. After all it should of been a happy time for us all but instead we were robbed of the privilege of spending his 28th birthday together.
We got together trying to keep our spirits up and watching movies but when the day finally came to an end I couldn't help but think how much I missed him and wished he was still here enjoying this time with us together. For my daughters sake I wished this could of been a happier moment.
Losing a child at an early age is devastating but losing them when you have grown so attached to them is something else. I really wish that this day would of been a happier time but his absence kind of put a dull somber mood on the day. Some day I know that I will be able to look back and remember all the happy times that were spent on this day but for now all I a have is emptiness and longing for his return.
I really wish that he hadn't been taken so soon but maybe for him continuing to suffer had put such a strain on his heart that he didn't have it in him to fight to hang on anymore. No one should have to see their child suffer so bad but in some ways I kept hoping that the pain would go away and he would still be here today. Joshua made a difference in my life and in those of the friends that came in contact within his last few years of life.
My son gave his all for his friends and cared for those he loved even though he was enduring a tremendous amount of pain and a fight for his life. I wish I could of done something to take away his pain but it was out of my hands and no matter how much he hurt, he still tried to hang on until I guess he just couldn't take it anymore and just gave up.
I love you Josh, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel this loss in my heart. I will force myself to get up an make an effort to go on cause I know that is what you would want me to do as you always told me to not worry about you. I know you were only trying to be brave but deep down for every moment that I saw you in pain I felt the anguish and desperation in your eyes and I couldn't do anything to make it go away. I am sorry you had to suffer so much.
Mijo please forgive me for not doing a better job of taking care of you. You were my whole life and reason for living and now all I can do is live with the memories of you in my heart. I only wish that where ever you are you are no longer suffering and I hope to see you again some day under happier times. May you rest in Peace.
We got together trying to keep our spirits up and watching movies but when the day finally came to an end I couldn't help but think how much I missed him and wished he was still here enjoying this time with us together. For my daughters sake I wished this could of been a happier moment.
Losing a child at an early age is devastating but losing them when you have grown so attached to them is something else. I really wish that this day would of been a happier time but his absence kind of put a dull somber mood on the day. Some day I know that I will be able to look back and remember all the happy times that were spent on this day but for now all I a have is emptiness and longing for his return.
I really wish that he hadn't been taken so soon but maybe for him continuing to suffer had put such a strain on his heart that he didn't have it in him to fight to hang on anymore. No one should have to see their child suffer so bad but in some ways I kept hoping that the pain would go away and he would still be here today. Joshua made a difference in my life and in those of the friends that came in contact within his last few years of life.
My son gave his all for his friends and cared for those he loved even though he was enduring a tremendous amount of pain and a fight for his life. I wish I could of done something to take away his pain but it was out of my hands and no matter how much he hurt, he still tried to hang on until I guess he just couldn't take it anymore and just gave up.
I love you Josh, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel this loss in my heart. I will force myself to get up an make an effort to go on cause I know that is what you would want me to do as you always told me to not worry about you. I know you were only trying to be brave but deep down for every moment that I saw you in pain I felt the anguish and desperation in your eyes and I couldn't do anything to make it go away. I am sorry you had to suffer so much.
Mijo please forgive me for not doing a better job of taking care of you. You were my whole life and reason for living and now all I can do is live with the memories of you in my heart. I only wish that where ever you are you are no longer suffering and I hope to see you again some day under happier times. May you rest in Peace.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
In Memory Of Josh
Yesterday I lost my son, His time was cut far too short and I am lost without him. He was my companion, friend and basically my shoulder to lean on. He was taken away from me suddenly even though I know he was in a lot of pain and basically lost his will to live. I don't know how else to say it but he meant everything to me and I will always be grateful for our companionship.
He had been suffering for sometime now and I really don't know just how much it was except to say that he was tired of living with all the pain and not getting any better. I only wish there was something that I could of done to ease his pain and now it appears that I am now the one suffering and in pain. I know people will tell me that maybe he is in a better place right now or that at least he is not suffering anymore and I don't want to feel selfish but I would rather he was still here with me. Cause now I am the one suffering from the loss of his life.
Joshua was in his own little world playing his online games and the only friends he had were those he had from all the gaming communities he was in. I wanted to reach out to some of them but my son in his isolation password protected his computer and I can't even get in there to go through his emails or messengers to spread the word to them. I don't know why I feel the need to do that but he was my son and he deserved more then life dealt him.
Part of me is really resentful for all of this and then there is the other part that thinks why did this have to happen to him and not to me. It is hard enough losing a parent or sibling to death, but that pain is just so much more when it is your child that is taken from you. I know that is mom loved him more then words could say and I feel for her at this time too, but being that he was living with me our relationship was so much closer and it just is not fair that his life was cut short.
We had got together one last time as a family and that was something that my son had wanted and maybe he knew something or maybe he just needed to spend time with all of us one more time. I wish to God that it had not happen this way finding him that way. It was like all my fears of coming home and finding him gone had been going through my head for the past few months and when that became a reality I just don't know what else is there. He was my life as much as I was his and I would not wish this on anyone the pain I feel inside now that he is gone.
I only hope that I will be able to pick myself up from all of this after it is all said and done. I will always miss him and carry him in my heart. He was one of the main reason I got everyday and went to work and came home and repeated the process day in and day out. I feel like a big chunk of my life was just ripped away from me an for that I am really bitter and resentful for it happening. And sorry but no amount of sympathy or well wishes will ever replace that loss.
I will always love you Josh with all my heart.
In Memory of Joshua A. Baca
4-24-1981 to 4-6-2009
MAY YOU REST IN PEACE NOW
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Inspiring Reading
Regardless of how religious you are, this is very true. This is a great interview with Rick Warren. He wrote the Purpose Driven Life.
People ask me, What is the purpose of life?
And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.
One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.
We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
People ask me, What is the purpose of life?
And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.
One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.
We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.
Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for..
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems: If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.
We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people. You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.
Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for..
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems: If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.
We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people. You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.
Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.
It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit.. We made no major purchases.
Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.
Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.
Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.
We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?
When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.
That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.
Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.
If you do not pass it on, nothing will happen. But it will just be nice to pass it on to a friend....just like I have done.
God's Blessings
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.
If you do not pass it on, nothing will happen. But it will just be nice to pass it on to a friend....just like I have done.
God's Blessings
Three Things
Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -
Time, Words & Opportunity
Three things in life that may never be lost -
Peace, Hope & Honesty.
Three things in life that are most valuable -
Love, Faith & Prayer
Three things in life that are never certain -
Dreams, Success & Fortune
Three things that make a man -
Hard work, Sincerity & Commitment
Three things in life that can destroy a man -
Lust, Pride & Anger
Three things that are truly constant -
Father, Son and Holy Ghost
I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today;
to guide you and protect you, as you go along your way.
His love is always with you, His promises are true.
And when you give Him all your cares, you know He'll see you through.
Pass this along to People you want God to Bless - I just did!
SMILE . . it adds value to your face
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