No Relief in sight

I start each day wondering why I am still here and he is gone and I can't help but thinking that it wasn't fair that he was taken away so young before he really was able to enjoy his life. I know he had medical problems but he should of been allowed to live long enough to enjoy his life. I have been able to enjoy things in life and he was taken far to soon to have that opportunity.

I come home everyday after work and do all I can to keep from bouncing off the walls or going crazy knowing that I am all alone once again and wishing not to wake up in the morning because the pain of going on is just too painful. I try to block things out when I am at work and doing a pretty good job of with all the distraction but once I get home I feel like I just can' t take it anymore. I just want to be finally put out of my misery of not having him here with me.

I know I have a beautiful daughter in which I have loved spending time with when I can but even as much as I love her and grateful for having her in my life it still doesn't really replace the fact that I no longer have my living with me and every time I walk into his room all I can see is him lying there for the last time lifeless knowing that he had to be all alone when this happen and I couldn't even be there to help him.

And even now all I want to do is here his voice one more time knowing full well that may never happen. So all I have is that last image of him in my head and I just can't seem to shake it out of my mind. I really do wish that it had been me that was taken and not him cause I wanted him to get better and their was just no relief in sight and things only got steadily worse as the days went by.

It has been over 4 months now and all I want is for the pain to go away but how can I ever hope that healing will ever take place when I couldn't even count on the healing to take place in his life and give him a fighting chance to live out his life. Some days all I can do is hate God for taking him away from me and other times I just don't know any more what to believe. All I know that my faith was finally crushed by this and I am not sure I will ever recover from this loss in my life.

All I can do is wish that some day this will all come to an end an I can finally start the rebuilding that is needed for me to really recover from this loss and not have to mask my sadness that I keep to myself. But for the mean time all I can say is that there is no relief in sight for me at the moment. All I can do is wait until I can finally block out that image of him for good and only remember all the happy times. To be able to keep him close to my heart with nothing but thoughts of happier times when he was still around.

For all of you that know what I am going through I now really understand the fact of losing a child which in my opinion is far greater then losing a parent in which I have lost both of mine and now my son. And for those of you that still have your children and parents I wish that you never have to suffer this type of pain ever in your life.