My Life without Josh

My life was turned upside down well more so then it usually has been. On April 6 th of this year my son passed away far too young for my concern. An over three months later we finally got a idea of why he died but still no official report has been sent out to us. Since that day my life has been a messed of mixed up emotions from sadness to bitterness for him dying so young. Although I know I shouldn't I have built up this feeling of failure as a father for not taking better care of him and watching after him more attentively but he was 27 and had a mind of his own. I have been told to stop blaming myself but there is just something about all of this that has taking it's toll on me.

His mom well she has been resigned to isolation and as much as I hurt I can't live that way I have to go to work and try to make it through each day as best as I can. If it means working to take my mind off of it then that is what I am will do, I try to joke around at work or just act silly from time to time so I can bury the hurt from coming out and exposing my weakness toward all of the hurt I feel inside. And I really feel for my daughter cause she has to be around all of the sadness that is overpowering her house due to her mom's deep depressions she tends to get into over all of this. I love my daughter very much and have learned to try to talk to her as much as I can everyday to maybe act as a buffer for her but she does fine on her own. She just buries herself in her books and reads the day away.

I am guilty of the pity party from time to time too and yes mainly around that time of the month cause it just brings back all the memories of it all. My friends and family try to get me to come out of the house and do stuff but during those times I would just rather be alone. I know they mean well but until you have been through it and actually feel the pain I don't think anyone should just say you have to move on and life goes on. I mean yeah those are nice things to say but they are just not that easy to do and until they understand that I don't care to have them say it.

Since he has been gone I have had one mishap after another. First my car has a problem and needs to be serviced then my Refrigerator craps out and has to be replaced all bad things but nothing that can't be taken care of a mechanic or replacing the old with a new fridge. But when it came to my computer starting to have problems it sent my life in turmoil over the whole issue. This was something that my son always took care for me and now I was going to have to fend for my self and although it was an easy project it still required opening it up and replacing the part and getting to install.

Well both my CD-Rom and DVD-Rom drives crapped out around the same time. I had to order them online since my computer is such a dinosaur, don't get me wrong it is a P4 but still it is 8 yrs old. Before my son died we had been talking about me getting another more up to date computer that would make my old one look like it was still on dial up. It should of been just a easy installation you know the plug an play type of installation but the darn computer didn't want to recognize the drive I tried everything I knew of and now I see why my son use to get so mad when his computer was acting up and the fustration raised to near rage levels and to finally defeat and considering just buying a new computer altogether like I had been wanting to do all along.

I tried again the next day but this time with a little more success I still think that there is something wrong with my computer but it will have to keep for the moment. I have to send back the other drive cause it was not compatible with my system and had I read it about it closer I might of realized that. I am still going to be looking into a new computer but now I can hold off a little while longer.

These are the times that are really hard to deal with because he was more then just a son to me he was my companion and as I stated before my very own Tech Person for all my computer issues. I truly miss all the times we had together and all pain of watching him in anquish when the pain was too great to handle. For whatever it is worth I am truly lost without him in my life, and I can only try to make the best of the rest of my life without him here with me to keep me company. I only wish that it didn't have to end that way cause he deserved more out of life then life ever gave him and I fight with the resentment every day knowing that I sat back helpless cause I didn't know what he was keeping from me his last few months. I miss you Josh and will always love you.