When will this pain finally go away

It has been 2 months now and I keep wondering how much longer is my heart going to hurt like this. The pain I feel inside sometimes gets to be so bad that I wish I would never wake up but I know that my son would want me to live on. Sometimes it just seems easier to just give up and not care or feel anymore. I know that I must go on but I think I am fighting a losing battle of wills here. The strong side gets me up every day and helps me make it through the day but the weak side of me just wants to crawl in a bed wasting away feeling sorry for myself for his loss and then there is the other part that is just filled with anger and bitterness for him being taken away from me.

Believe me when I say this I even feel guilty for days when I have a normal day cause I feel I should still be mourning his death and not enjoying life or at least attempting to enjoy it. I mean really I haven't gone anywhere special to say that I don't allow myself to go out and do things with others with the exception of visiting my Daughter and Ex at least once a week. I wish things were better but there is so much going on in my life that are on the negative side that I just feel like I am sinking into all the crap that keeps coming my way.

At work I have friends that I talk to and sometimes even joke around with but all it takes is just a little reminder of my son and I start falling in that tailspin again. I know that people keep telling me to get out or even get away for a little while but I really have no desire to do any of that all I can do is deal with it in my own way and in my own time trying to be strong when I can and allowing myself those moments of mourning and remembering him for all that he meant to me.

As I had stated in previous blogs he was everything to me my son , friend, my computer tech person but most of all he was my reason for living cause I cared so much for him that when he died I felt like a big part of me died with him. I can only hope for whatever it is worth I will be able to get along without him. Cause as of right now I really don't see that happening or at least not for some time to come.