Dealing with the Emptiness

Feeling the emptiness inside my heart since my son has died is taking it's toll on me. I have moments when I am doing okay or at least I pretend I am okay but deep down I can't shake the pain of the emptiness I feel that dictates how my day will go. I get up every day and struggle to get started cause my routine has changed since my son passed away.

My son was a big part of my life and one of the main reason for living. He had become such a major part of my life since he moved in with me 5 yrs ago. It was my second chance to get to know him better and we had become so close to each other that we pretty much spent most of my time at home together. Because basically all we had were each other and the reason being that both Josh and I were loners in our own way. He had what friends he had online and I basically had a few friends I talked with but never really went anywhere with them. So we had to rely on each other to for the up close one on one.

When Josh was diagnosed with Diabetes and various other problems I felt for him but never more than in his last few months when he was in a lot of pain and I felt helpless cause I couldn't do anything to make his life better or to be less in pain. All I could do is sit there pray for the pain to go away and that he wouldn't suffer anymore. I really regret that I didn't do more for him and now that he is gone I only have that empty feeling that comes when something is ripped out of your life without warning. And for all my prayers and wishes I was left resentful that his life was cut short.

So today on of all days Memorial day I am left her to remember my son and the life he lived. For all the friends that loved him and were touched by his spirit of putting others first before himself. I will always love my son and for all he has brought to my life, from his loving nature to his computer savvy that helped me when I had a problem. His presence will be truly missed by myself his sister and mother who had to settle with loving him from afar. I am sure the three of us will carry that last day with him in our hearts forever.

So now as sit here thinking about my loss and the emptiness that I feel I can only say that it will be a long time before that emptiness goes away if it goes away at all. For those of you that know what I am talking about I feel for you and for those who have not experienced this type of loss I hope that you never have to cause the pain is greater than any one person can handle on their own. For which I am trying to do when I say that I am taking it day by day and hoping that someday the pain will dull to an amount I can deal with. I know I will get over this cause I have lost both my Father and Mother in my life but the hardest to swallow was the loss of my son and always will be.

Some day I will look back at this time in my life as part of the lowest of my life and know that some how I was able to get through this with all of the pain that was caused. I only hope that I will be a stronger person for making it but only time will tell. Cause if I have learned anything from this experience is that no one knows when there time will come and I only hope that I will have touch those lives I have come in contact with as my son did with his life.