Today was my son's birthday and instead of being a happy moment for me it was a very sad day and although I spent the day with his mom and sister I can't seem to forget the emptiness I felt inside knowing that Josh was no longer there to participate in the event. After all it should of been a happy time for us all but instead we were robbed of the privilege of spending his 28th birthday together.
We got together trying to keep our spirits up and watching movies but when the day finally came to an end I couldn't help but think how much I missed him and wished he was still here enjoying this time with us together. For my daughters sake I wished this could of been a happier moment.
Losing a child at an early age is devastating but losing them when you have grown so attached to them is something else. I really wish that this day would of been a happier time but his absence kind of put a dull somber mood on the day. Some day I know that I will be able to look back and remember all the happy times that were spent on this day but for now all I a have is emptiness and longing for his return.
I really wish that he hadn't been taken so soon but maybe for him continuing to suffer had put such a strain on his heart that he didn't have it in him to fight to hang on anymore. No one should have to see their child suffer so bad but in some ways I kept hoping that the pain would go away and he would still be here today. Joshua made a difference in my life and in those of the friends that came in contact within his last few years of life.
My son gave his all for his friends and cared for those he loved even though he was enduring a tremendous amount of pain and a fight for his life. I wish I could of done something to take away his pain but it was out of my hands and no matter how much he hurt, he still tried to hang on until I guess he just couldn't take it anymore and just gave up.
I love you Josh, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel this loss in my heart. I will force myself to get up an make an effort to go on cause I know that is what you would want me to do as you always told me to not worry about you. I know you were only trying to be brave but deep down for every moment that I saw you in pain I felt the anguish and desperation in your eyes and I couldn't do anything to make it go away. I am sorry you had to suffer so much.
Mijo please forgive me for not doing a better job of taking care of you. You were my whole life and reason for living and now all I can do is live with the memories of you in my heart. I only wish that where ever you are you are no longer suffering and I hope to see you again some day under happier times. May you rest in Peace.
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