In Memory Of Josh

Yesterday I lost my son, His time was cut far too short and I am lost without him. He was my companion, friend and basically my shoulder to lean on. He was taken away from me suddenly even though I know he was in a lot of pain and basically lost his will to live. I don't know how else to say it but he meant everything to me and I will always be grateful for our companionship.

He had been suffering for sometime now and I really don't know just how much it was except to say that he was tired of living with all the pain and not getting any better. I only wish there was something that I could of done to ease his pain and now it appears that I am now the one suffering and in pain. I know people will tell me that maybe he is in a better place right now or that at least he is not suffering anymore and I don't want to feel selfish but I would rather he was still here with me. Cause now I am the one suffering from the loss of his life.

Joshua was in his own little world playing his online games and the only friends he had were those he had from all the gaming communities he was in. I wanted to reach out to some of them but my son in his isolation password protected his computer and I can't even get in there to go through his emails or messengers to spread the word to them. I don't know why I feel the need to do that but he was my son and he deserved more then life dealt him.

Part of me is really resentful for all of this and then there is the other part that thinks why did this have to happen to him and not to me. It is hard enough losing a parent or sibling to death, but that pain is just so much more when it is your child that is taken from you. I know that is mom loved him more then words could say and I feel for her at this time too, but being that he was living with me our relationship was so much closer and it just is not fair that his life was cut short.

We had got together one last time as a family and that was something that my son had wanted and maybe he knew something or maybe he just needed to spend time with all of us one more time. I wish to God that it had not happen this way finding him that way. It was like all my fears of coming home and finding him gone had been going through my head for the past few months and when that became a reality I just don't know what else is there. He was my life as much as I was his and I would not wish this on anyone the pain I feel inside now that he is gone.

I only hope that I will be able to pick myself up from all of this after it is all said and done. I will always miss him and carry him in my heart. He was one of the main reason I got everyday and went to work and came home and repeated the process day in and day out. I feel like a big chunk of my life was just ripped away from me an for that I am really bitter and resentful for it happening. And sorry but no amount of sympathy or well wishes will ever replace that loss.

I will always love you Josh with all my heart.

In Memory of Joshua A. Baca

4-24-1981 to 4-6-2009

MAY YOU REST IN PEACE NOW