Taking time off to finally rest.

After six long months of working to take my mind off of my loss my body has finally said I need to take a break. I have been working so much just to keep myself keep occupied and help me to take my mind off of my loss. In most part that was working okay but I couldn't keep up at that rate with little to no rest in between. So now is the time to take it off and try to deal with other things in my life and try to close up other areas.

During that time I have had the opportunity to have my daughter come and spend some time with me mainly watching disaster movies but also when I had my fridge delivered, she was there to help me out cleaning it out and getting ready for the new one that was being delivered that day. I have learned to really appreciate the time we spend together and in essence it was like starting over again getting close to each other, and although I wish it would of happened under better circumstances I am truly glad that we are doing it now.

I had just realized that the 6 month mark had come and gone and I didn't even realize that it had only cause I spent the day with my daughter again and being that we were together just goofing off and watching, yes you guessed it another disaster movie series. The day passed by without even a thought about my son, I kind of feel guilty that it happened but maybe the quality time I was spending with her was good cause it kept the sadness out or even give it a chance to re-appear to put a damper on my day.

I do truly miss him and wish I could her from him again but I know that may never happen. I am glad that his mom was able to get some words of encouragement to be able to finally to start to move on even though it may still take some time for her, cause I am still going through that healing process. I wish that I could be able to get rid of all the guilt I feel inside and know that there was nothing that I could have done that would of changed the outcome. Because I feel like I let everyone down cause he died under my care and under my watch, there is no amount of blame that anyone can throw on me that I haven't done already, and now all I can do is try to put my mind at ease which I doubt I will ever be able to do totally.

I will be picking up my daughter up again tomorrow partly for a building project and mostly to spend time with her and even though we talk a lot on the phone or online or even on our little adventures to the stores which we both agree is more then just running errands it is time to hang out and just goof off making each other laugh. I really enjoy those times as much as if we were spending it going to the movies or any other place of interest. One thing I do know is that I am truly grateful for her being in my life because after the loss of Josh I think I would of taken my own life if it wasn't for her to be there to pick up the pieces in my life. She is the one true reason I have hung on this long and will continue to believe that there are still things worth living for out there. I Love You Mija more then you will ever know. Cause you have become the glue that holds my life together and for that I am truly grateful.