The End of Another Chapter

All things came to an end and for me this year has been one ending after another. The year started out wanting things that I had put off for some time well that dream came to an abrupt ending due lack of funds. Whatever amount I had were dissolved because funds had to be used for other more pressing purposes.

After so many years of separation we finally decided to go ahead and file for the divorce. It was time to finally put an end to that chapter in our lives an although I may have had my reason for keeping it that way for so long in the end I guess everything happens for a reason. I know that I was told by far too many people that I was a fool and they would of cut her off long before I ever did. But I had my reasons and wouldn't go against it unless she was ready to finally file. I am not sure what that is at the moment, but whatever it ends up it is all in the past now.

Well as she had finally decided it was time to move on cause there was nothing left to hang on to and I was in agreement with her on that fact. We finally took the steps to get it done and as it turned out it was a amicable divorce neither party was out to screw the other and we still part as friends. Hopefully all will end well and their will be no problems in the future. As for me I guess I was kind of numb at first cause as much as the marriage was over there was a part of me that hated the fact that this was my second failed attempt at a happy marriage

I remember discussing this with my kids from my first marriage about now all I had to was wait the required 6 month period for it to be final. They both wondered why it was going to to have to take that long for it to be final and all I could say is that I guess it is what they call the cooling off period in case either party or both change their mind about getting divorce. This way they don't have to get re-married all over again.

So now all I had to do was play the waiting game until the eventful day finally made it way closer to the end. Along the way we lost some family members her brother-in-law and my son both suddenly and only weeks apart from each other death. The pain of losing my son still hurts inside but I guess I am learning how to deal with it a little more each day.

With all of this going on there were still the constant new issues that were going on at work that were definitely taking it's toll on my monthly income. I guess sooner or later I will have to make adjustments to my monthly expenses to compensate for the decrease in funds. But maybe I have just living to costly and life and need to really take step back and make the changes to cut things out.

This summer has come and it almost gone but that eventful day came and left without even as much as a thought about it. I guess I have seen too many people go through amicable divorces and when that day arrives there usually a certain amount of sadness that goes with it but for me it was nothing more then a joking session of me finally being able to call myself single again. Of course that is not what I truly feel cause I guess I have been kind of dead inside for a long time. Just numb enough to not really feel anything.

So now my life begins again no longer married, or separated but officially Divorced and Single again for the first time in over 15 yrs. Although I am not looking to change that anytime soon i am also not shutting the door to the possibility sometime in the future. I have been through a lot this past year and now starts that new chapter of being Single again. I only wish my son was here with me to not have start this out all alone. I really miss him and nothing that happens to me in the future will mean a whole lot without him here to share it. So for now all I can do is only take it one day at a time as I have done since he died.

My Apology to the one that matters the most to me.

I have just finished reading a very sad and touching story. I only wish I could that things could be different but unfortunately they are not. As anyone who may have read my previous blog they would know that I recently lost my son and has turned my life upside down. I have been in this fog for the past few months and it is starting to take it's toll on my me. I struggle each day to get started partly cause I am lazy and mostly cause I just can't seem to want to crawl out of bed to pretend that my life is okay and that I am getting over the pain of this loss of him in my life. But this is something that will be with me for some time to come no matter I try to put it behind me it is always going to be there. I know that over time this pain will subside and be easier to deal with, but in the meantime I continue to present the charade of pretending that I am okay.

But that is another story altogether, this message is dedicated to my loving daughter who I have grown to enjoy all our conversations and little outings we have had over the past few months, even though they may be only for errands of some sort we have learned to make the most of it. I am truly grateful that she is in my life and I don't want to hurt her in anyway, but sometimes during our conversations things that come out my tend to really make her sad. I don't always realize that the idle words that come out of your mouth can do more damage to them then if you did them on purpose.

So to my beautiful daughter I just want to say that I am truly sorry for being so down on my life in front of you. You deserve the same shoulder to cry on that both your mother and I have been dumping on you. I always wonder how you are truly holding up and you always reassure me that you are doing well and that you have your friends to help you pick your spirits up. With both your mom and I dealing with this in our own ways I know that you had to be going through a lot more then you ever led on to. I just want you to know that I am a good listener too not just someone to spend time with. I love you with all my heart and don't want you to suffer any additional pains on account of me.

What I have learned to appreciate are those people in your life that are always around to help you up and dust you off and then send you off on your merry way. These are the type of people that are truly to be cherished. Well my daughter is one of those people for me in my life cause without her comforting words to me I think I would of given up on my life a long time ago after my son died. I really am grateful for her being that person for me. I only wish that I could return the favor to her. I know that she is trying to do her best being there for her mother and then me on the side.

I just want to leave this little note. We seldom know how we affect other peoples lives and how much they may appreciate people them, but every once in a while it would be nice to just let them know what they mean to you and how much easier life has been with them in our lives. So here is to you my Mija I love you and appreciate you more then you will ever know. I will always be there for you and I know that we will all get through this and don't forget if you need a shoulder to cry on you can always call me and I promise that things will be different and maybe even venture out to a movie providing it is something that I will enjoy too.

Family is something that we all need to hang on to cause who can love us more then our own family, and if we hold strong to that we will be able to endure most things in our life. I know I can't promise to be around forever but I will definitely try my best to be there for you.

No Relief in sight

I start each day wondering why I am still here and he is gone and I can't help but thinking that it wasn't fair that he was taken away so young before he really was able to enjoy his life. I know he had medical problems but he should of been allowed to live long enough to enjoy his life. I have been able to enjoy things in life and he was taken far to soon to have that opportunity.

I come home everyday after work and do all I can to keep from bouncing off the walls or going crazy knowing that I am all alone once again and wishing not to wake up in the morning because the pain of going on is just too painful. I try to block things out when I am at work and doing a pretty good job of with all the distraction but once I get home I feel like I just can' t take it anymore. I just want to be finally put out of my misery of not having him here with me.

I know I have a beautiful daughter in which I have loved spending time with when I can but even as much as I love her and grateful for having her in my life it still doesn't really replace the fact that I no longer have my living with me and every time I walk into his room all I can see is him lying there for the last time lifeless knowing that he had to be all alone when this happen and I couldn't even be there to help him.

And even now all I want to do is here his voice one more time knowing full well that may never happen. So all I have is that last image of him in my head and I just can't seem to shake it out of my mind. I really do wish that it had been me that was taken and not him cause I wanted him to get better and their was just no relief in sight and things only got steadily worse as the days went by.

It has been over 4 months now and all I want is for the pain to go away but how can I ever hope that healing will ever take place when I couldn't even count on the healing to take place in his life and give him a fighting chance to live out his life. Some days all I can do is hate God for taking him away from me and other times I just don't know any more what to believe. All I know that my faith was finally crushed by this and I am not sure I will ever recover from this loss in my life.

All I can do is wish that some day this will all come to an end an I can finally start the rebuilding that is needed for me to really recover from this loss and not have to mask my sadness that I keep to myself. But for the mean time all I can say is that there is no relief in sight for me at the moment. All I can do is wait until I can finally block out that image of him for good and only remember all the happy times. To be able to keep him close to my heart with nothing but thoughts of happier times when he was still around.

For all of you that know what I am going through I now really understand the fact of losing a child which in my opinion is far greater then losing a parent in which I have lost both of mine and now my son. And for those of you that still have your children and parents I wish that you never have to suffer this type of pain ever in your life.