It Was Just A Blur

      I don't know where all the time went these past couple of years. My previous blog that was to catch up the year of 2010 was written the beginning of 2012 and dated for January of 2011.  Well that catching up process was going to continue but for whatever reason I just seemed to lose track of time of the whole mess until it was just a blur in my mind with the days just melding into to one another.   

        So  I like to say that all has been well since my son past away in 2009 but unfortunately it has been far from that and although.  I have been able to put a good front in regards to the loss of him so as to not have the constant sympathy pats on the back or shoulder.  But all in all I think I am doing pretty good on the outside but inside I have to live with the thought was there anything I could of done to prevent this from happening.  I guess I will never truly know but I do wish that I could hear my son's voice just one more time to let me doing he is truly in a better place and not suffering more then he did here. 

        I find this kind of odd that all these years I have had my computer at home and all the time in the world to write another blog  and here I am at work typing my second one it this week while I am on my break, which means this is definitely going to improve my typing ability on this keypad I bought for my Ipad.   Time I usually spent watching tv or playing games or even a little web searching and of course those pop appearances on FB well anyway I should get back to my blog  before the notion of writing a blog becomes a blur. 

          So as I said earlier 2011 went by rather quickly in a blur of motions and partly in a fog as if I was there but not really there enjoying time spent with my daughter cause that has become my new favorite thing to do spending time with her cause I have already lost one I would hate to lose another for whatever reason it would happen especially without the chance to spend all the time possible with the one last thing that means the world to me.   She is special in all her various ways and as I have said in the past, she brightens up my day and going a day without hearing her voice for a brief chat. I will never share the kind of bond that she has with her mom , nor will she ever share what I had with my son but what we have together is something really special that I wouldn't ever give up.  

          There I go again trailing off into other directions can't seem to keep my mind on the same discussion.  Anyway the year went by as it always does.  The beginning of the year use to be a time of grateful of my vacation check but at the same time dreading the possibility having to pay more in taxes then I have put away for, and hoping to have enough left to be able to get my kids things for their birthday.  So when I actually had enough to get them the things I was grateful maybe not as much as they were but for the most part it has always been more about spending time together  then anything else. 

          The rest of the year went by pretty uneventful flying by as the first part it did.  My birthday came and went just like any other day.  As I watch it all go by in just one big blur all I can do is look forward to the weekends, well Sunday really when I have my weekly get together with my lovely daughter.  I keep thinking someday the pain inside will slowly go away, but it is getting easier to make it through the day without pretending to be happy. 

           I remember the holiday season approaching knowing that since losing my mom this has always been the toughest part of the year to get through.  I guess the adding strain of  Josh no longer being around to bring what little Christmas spirit into the house it has become a cold dark place again and even though I bury myself in Christmas movies I still am unable to have the holiday spirit at all.  Well this year has finally came to and end and I have all of 2012 to look forward to in hopes that it will be a better year for me.  Wishing all the best and trying to believe it will.