A Happy Birthday that wasn't

Today was my son's birthday and instead of being a happy moment for me it was a very sad day and although I spent the day with his mom and sister I can't seem to forget the emptiness I felt inside knowing that Josh was no longer there to participate in the event. After all it should of been a happy time for us all but instead we were robbed of the privilege of spending his 28th birthday together.

We got together trying to keep our spirits up and watching movies but when the day finally came to an end I couldn't help but think how much I missed him and wished he was still here enjoying this time with us together. For my daughters sake I wished this could of been a happier moment.

Losing a child at an early age is devastating but losing them when you have grown so attached to them is something else. I really wish that this day would of been a happier time but his absence kind of put a dull somber mood on the day. Some day I know that I will be able to look back and remember all the happy times that were spent on this day but for now all I a have is emptiness and longing for his return.

I really wish that he hadn't been taken so soon but maybe for him continuing to suffer had put such a strain on his heart that he didn't have it in him to fight to hang on anymore. No one should have to see their child suffer so bad but in some ways I kept hoping that the pain would go away and he would still be here today. Joshua made a difference in my life and in those of the friends that came in contact within his last few years of life.

My son gave his all for his friends and cared for those he loved even though he was enduring a tremendous amount of pain and a fight for his life. I wish I could of done something to take away his pain but it was out of my hands and no matter how much he hurt, he still tried to hang on until I guess he just couldn't take it anymore and just gave up.

I love you Josh, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel this loss in my heart. I will force myself to get up an make an effort to go on cause I know that is what you would want me to do as you always told me to not worry about you. I know you were only trying to be brave but deep down for every moment that I saw you in pain I felt the anguish and desperation in your eyes and I couldn't do anything to make it go away. I am sorry you had to suffer so much.

Mijo please forgive me for not doing a better job of taking care of you. You were my whole life and reason for living and now all I can do is live with the memories of you in my heart. I only wish that where ever you are you are no longer suffering and I hope to see you again some day under happier times. May you rest in Peace.

In Memory Of Josh

Yesterday I lost my son, His time was cut far too short and I am lost without him. He was my companion, friend and basically my shoulder to lean on. He was taken away from me suddenly even though I know he was in a lot of pain and basically lost his will to live. I don't know how else to say it but he meant everything to me and I will always be grateful for our companionship.

He had been suffering for sometime now and I really don't know just how much it was except to say that he was tired of living with all the pain and not getting any better. I only wish there was something that I could of done to ease his pain and now it appears that I am now the one suffering and in pain. I know people will tell me that maybe he is in a better place right now or that at least he is not suffering anymore and I don't want to feel selfish but I would rather he was still here with me. Cause now I am the one suffering from the loss of his life.

Joshua was in his own little world playing his online games and the only friends he had were those he had from all the gaming communities he was in. I wanted to reach out to some of them but my son in his isolation password protected his computer and I can't even get in there to go through his emails or messengers to spread the word to them. I don't know why I feel the need to do that but he was my son and he deserved more then life dealt him.

Part of me is really resentful for all of this and then there is the other part that thinks why did this have to happen to him and not to me. It is hard enough losing a parent or sibling to death, but that pain is just so much more when it is your child that is taken from you. I know that is mom loved him more then words could say and I feel for her at this time too, but being that he was living with me our relationship was so much closer and it just is not fair that his life was cut short.

We had got together one last time as a family and that was something that my son had wanted and maybe he knew something or maybe he just needed to spend time with all of us one more time. I wish to God that it had not happen this way finding him that way. It was like all my fears of coming home and finding him gone had been going through my head for the past few months and when that became a reality I just don't know what else is there. He was my life as much as I was his and I would not wish this on anyone the pain I feel inside now that he is gone.

I only hope that I will be able to pick myself up from all of this after it is all said and done. I will always miss him and carry him in my heart. He was one of the main reason I got everyday and went to work and came home and repeated the process day in and day out. I feel like a big chunk of my life was just ripped away from me an for that I am really bitter and resentful for it happening. And sorry but no amount of sympathy or well wishes will ever replace that loss.

I will always love you Josh with all my heart.

In Memory of Joshua A. Baca

4-24-1981 to 4-6-2009

MAY YOU REST IN PEACE NOW