Toughest Month

I have grown to know April as my toughest month to get through for me. I use to call it my worst month but Carisa started to take offense of it. As it was the month of hers and Joshua birthdays. For me it was mainly cause of tax time that had brought such a sour taste in my mouth knowing that ever April 15th was that time of year that I paid out lots of money in taxes, some years more then others but still quite a bit per year.
I had always dreaded this month for that reason alone and I do apologize to my daughter for ever thinking that the money I spent on her or Josh for their birthdays wasn't an issue but the lack of funds to do so because of the taxes. I love my kids very much and always wanted to do more for them then I was always able to do and until recently I had been strapped on what I could afford to spend for.

But last April was one that sent the whole family into a funk of sorts. We lost Josh last year and although it was a very sad time for us the year still managed to move on as clock work without a care for our loss. We all had our different ways of dealing with it. For me I had to like they say get back on the my feet and go back to work which in a certain way did take my mind off the loss but only while I was at work.

A year has gone by and since he passed away and I can't believe how fast it really went by at first it was month to monh the 6th would go by and they got easier to deal with. Soon it was the holiday seasons which for me was one that I didn't even participate in at all. The sad thing is that I never wanted a christmas tree in my house but went along because it made my son happy having one all decorated and lit up during the night. I am really going to miss that part of christmas seeing how happy he was.

Well the new year came and my usual worrying about tax time was back in my mind and to my surprise it actually was good news I got this year. Which is good considering that April will never be the same ever again cause it will always be the month we lost Josh. With Josh gone my daughter has benefited because I have poured out a lot in her directions since I no longer am splitting things up between the two of them anymore. All my affection is directed toward her in such a way that I really enjoy all the time we spend together either on the phone or online or occasional visits after work. Of course that is not counting weekly get together to just hang out doing various things.

Well April came and went once more and I pretty much tuned up the month with reminders of Josh. I even put pictures of him on my wallpaper on both of my phones. So I can be reminded of his face and his smile. I am very sad that it has taken me to have his pictures to actually remember his face. Cause unlike my daughter and his mom I have not been able to visualize him at all even in my dreams and that really hurts to know that I am unable to see his face in a real an personal way instead of just on the photos I have on my phones.

I can only hope that this next year will be a little easier to on our family and hope that the rebuilding can begin where we can all finally move on and live our lives as our son would of wanted for us to do anyway cause he was always wanting us to not concern ourselves about him that he would be fine. Wel unfortunately he wasn't fine and hurting more then he let on to but still knowing that he is no longer in pain now is a little easier to deal with then it was when everyone was telling us that. So in closing I just want to leave it with he will always be a part of my heart and my life feels empty here in my house. I can only be grateful that I have my daughter to help fill the void in my heart and life. Thank you mija for being there for me I love you very much.