Toughest Month

I have grown to know April as my toughest month to get through for me. I use to call it my worst month but Carisa started to take offense of it. As it was the month of hers and Joshua birthdays. For me it was mainly cause of tax time that had brought such a sour taste in my mouth knowing that ever April 15th was that time of year that I paid out lots of money in taxes, some years more then others but still quite a bit per year.
I had always dreaded this month for that reason alone and I do apologize to my daughter for ever thinking that the money I spent on her or Josh for their birthdays wasn't an issue but the lack of funds to do so because of the taxes. I love my kids very much and always wanted to do more for them then I was always able to do and until recently I had been strapped on what I could afford to spend for.

But last April was one that sent the whole family into a funk of sorts. We lost Josh last year and although it was a very sad time for us the year still managed to move on as clock work without a care for our loss. We all had our different ways of dealing with it. For me I had to like they say get back on the my feet and go back to work which in a certain way did take my mind off the loss but only while I was at work.

A year has gone by and since he passed away and I can't believe how fast it really went by at first it was month to monh the 6th would go by and they got easier to deal with. Soon it was the holiday seasons which for me was one that I didn't even participate in at all. The sad thing is that I never wanted a christmas tree in my house but went along because it made my son happy having one all decorated and lit up during the night. I am really going to miss that part of christmas seeing how happy he was.

Well the new year came and my usual worrying about tax time was back in my mind and to my surprise it actually was good news I got this year. Which is good considering that April will never be the same ever again cause it will always be the month we lost Josh. With Josh gone my daughter has benefited because I have poured out a lot in her directions since I no longer am splitting things up between the two of them anymore. All my affection is directed toward her in such a way that I really enjoy all the time we spend together either on the phone or online or occasional visits after work. Of course that is not counting weekly get together to just hang out doing various things.

Well April came and went once more and I pretty much tuned up the month with reminders of Josh. I even put pictures of him on my wallpaper on both of my phones. So I can be reminded of his face and his smile. I am very sad that it has taken me to have his pictures to actually remember his face. Cause unlike my daughter and his mom I have not been able to visualize him at all even in my dreams and that really hurts to know that I am unable to see his face in a real an personal way instead of just on the photos I have on my phones.

I can only hope that this next year will be a little easier to on our family and hope that the rebuilding can begin where we can all finally move on and live our lives as our son would of wanted for us to do anyway cause he was always wanting us to not concern ourselves about him that he would be fine. Wel unfortunately he wasn't fine and hurting more then he let on to but still knowing that he is no longer in pain now is a little easier to deal with then it was when everyone was telling us that. So in closing I just want to leave it with he will always be a part of my heart and my life feels empty here in my house. I can only be grateful that I have my daughter to help fill the void in my heart and life. Thank you mija for being there for me I love you very much.

Being Sick is a Drag

Had planned on working through this weekend but wouldn't you know it I ended up catching a cold that would bring me crashing down. I had been taking too much time off already and wanted to step it up a little. Now I am here at my house dealing the alternating sniffles then stuffy nose and of course the constant coffing and sneezing to add to the aggravation.

So I had to call a replacement for my job and I really didn't want to do that cause of the fact that it would leave them with the possibility of getting slower person who couldn't keep up. I know I shouldn't worry about things like that cause they obviously don't care to give us the enough clerks to do the job without feeling so overwhelmed. I am sorry Denise for leaving you hanging like that.

Well so after going home last night I did my usual computer stuff and then headed off to bed around 1 in the morning took my medicine and then slept in well slept in by my standards I woke up around 7:30 but stayed in bed til almost 11 just watching shows off my DVR. When I finally got up I made myself some soup and then after a little while opened up a can of fruit coctail it was good.

Shifted over to the computer room around 3 p.m. and did all my comp. stuff. Took some more medicine and shifted back to the living room to eat some food and empty more shows off the DVR in that room. I pretty much been a couch potato most of the day with the exception to being in the computer room typing up stuff and going through my files.

I have been taking what I like to call a lot of involuntary power naps all day long. Which is okay except when you are trying to watch shows cause then you have to play the rewind game through out the day. Well now that I am back in here typing away again I can only hope that I can finish this without to many power nap delays which I have already been fighting with already.

Well I think that I better get myself in bed now cause I am having to fight it off to much now so I guess this is it for tonight which it actually is already morning like almost 3 a.m. I know mija I should of been in bed hours ago but I wasn't finished yet with this so now that I am done I will say goodnite to you anyone that might be reading my rant an raves.

As the days go by

Here we are in the month of March already and one of my biggest headaches is behind me an I am so grateful for that. Now I can start living my life again without all the stress that I tend to have at the beginning of the year. Which usually disappears after April. Well this year was no different then others except that although I thought I was in for some bad news someone must of heard me cause all the worry was for nothing and now I can breathe again with a sigh of relief.

The month has just begun but and it is only a little less then a month to the year mark of my sons' passing and I am dreading it but I am prepared to deal with it as I have dealt with all the other past months as the 6th roled on by. I have learned to deal with a minimal amount of sadness attached to the day but the biggest test will come next month on the Anniversary of his death.

His mother I am afraid will the be the one that will have the toughest time with it all. Mainly cause she has a lot harder time letting go probably cause her being his mother and also cause of the more closer loss of other family members on her side of the family. Which means my daughter will be all the more attentive to her for fear of leaving her alone on that specific date. As for me I will probably do what I have done all year long since he died, get up go to work and try to put in a days work without letting my emotions get out of control.

This April the 6th will fall on a Tuesday which has become better known as Target Tuesday not for the fact that they both begin with the letter "T" but because for some unknown reason it is also the day that new releases tend to come out at Target and sometimes even on sale at a very discounted price. It has become a father, daughter event that we have both enjoyed cause of the general sillyness that accompanies the day of shopping. I guess you can say that it has become a day to just get away from reality and hang out in the store picking up movies or books or even just a general shopping run for supplies for her house or even mine on occasion.

I have really enjoyed this time with her cause even though we talk on the phone and online it is our time to spend together without a care in the world. I mean we still get together on weekend to do the whole day thing spending it with breakfast and movies mostly at my house watching DVD's but on occasion a trip to the actual theatre isn't out of the question and of course it may be even spent waisting time in one store after another just having fun. I love my daughter and as I have said before I really enjoy this time we have together. It really helps me take my mind off of the loss of my son but also cause it keeps us closer together and in a place we both don't want to lose in our lives.

One never knows when that day will come when one of our lives or even both will be snatch away without warning and because of this the time we spend together has become very special to both of us. As with my son I do tend to worry about her in the event that either her mom or myself are taken away from her and lord knows I don't think I could handle losing another child before I die because my will to live would become non-existent. It is even to painful to even remotely ponder that awful thought.

Well I think I have rambled on long enough and I really should be winding down and finishing this little tale of lost adventures, but in parting I want my daughter to know that she means the world to me. She is really my sole reason for striving to want to live if not at least enjoy what time I may have left spent enjoying her company and letting anyone else come between us in any way. I love you mija with all my heart and very being. You bring the smile to my heart that warms me up inside and out.

Did February really go by that fast

The month of February wasn't so much a insignificant month as opposed to just a quick month. It started setting up computer and installing programs for the various items I had recently purchased. My phones , Ipod and cameras all things I needed to have access with them in order to do stuff with the photos.

So aside from the fun stuff going on with computer during this month I basically went back to my old routine work all day and come home and gel in front of the TV and or computer stuff. I continued to pick up new dvd's to add to my collection and various other things on my weekly shopping trip taken with my daughter. Of course this month I did actually spend more time with my daughter at my house and various times at her house usually for dinner after errand running.

Weekends have gotten to be quite the routine between us picking her up in the morning well as close to the morning as possible grabbing either breakfast at a restaurant or fast food to bring back to my house and then watching one of my latest movies on dvd or blueray. And then sometimes we actually spend a long time being out and about to various stores from 99 Cent only and dollar tree all the way to department stores and Costco.

Usually when the day involves a bit of a shopping spree it usually takes up most of the day and therefore the day tends to go by rather rapidly as they say "Time flies when you are waisting it" well actually I have been told that is my new line by my daughter who in fact loves waisting time together because a shopping trip is much more then just going to the store it involves a lot of goofing off an just whole lot of general sillyness. Which is why we enjoy hanging out so much together in that way.

On rare occasions I have been known to actually cook breakfast for us at the house but according to my kids they like pretty much whatever I make which is nice to hear but not necessarily true cause there are things that I make that I am not totally satisfied with. But I will except the compliments knowing that it is all based on love for each other.

Usually the trip home ends with a stop for food to bring home to the house that all of us can eat and then after a little while I am off on my way to go back home to get a little time on the computer before going to bed to start my work week all over again. Well that was my month in a nut shell and it is surprising how fast it went by.

What I have been up to since my last post.

Well it has been quite a while since I last posted anything so I guess I will have to do the old run down. So let see since my last post I have gone through quite a lot of different things. Which have been both fun and draining to say the least.

The year started with a little bit of a shopping trip to buy a new computer for my daughter cause her old one was acting up beyond what I was able to repair which actually was more a job for my son. But unfortunately his passing has put us at more of a loss then we would like to admit. Cause not only was he our family he was our computer tech to go to for most of our problems or when we wanted to know how to do things on the computer. Well as much as I use to think I knew about computers it was nothing compared to what Josh brought to the table. My look on life has always been if it is broke beyond my ability to fix I would just replace.

So that brings us back to being at the store looking for something that would be adequate to replace my daughters computer. Having to do this without really knowing what we were looking for leaves you at the mercy of the salesperson pushing their products, but lucky for us the person that took care of us was very helpful and really answered out questions and led us in the right direction. So after being in the store for quite a long time trying to decide which one we made our decision and just had to wait for all the installation of stuff that once again would of been taken care of by Josh.

We leave the store to go hangout at my house watching movies and stuff until it was time to go back and pick up her computer and then off to take her home and for me it was the most I had ever done on the 1st of Jan. before considering that has usually been dedicated to watching all the college bowl games being played all day long. Ever since my son passed away I have been spending a lot of time with my daughter partly to not be alone and also cause I know that she needs to get out from the house of depression that she has been living in since he died.

I wish I could say that everything else went smooth the rest of the month but unfortunately hers was not the only computer to go on the fritz and as much as I have been told just to use my son's computer I was reluctant cause of the fact that it was his and I didn't want to do anything to ruin it. It is like that computer stored his whole life and I just can't see doing anything to it aside from going on their doing the normal maintenance, like running the virus scan and deleting stuff off of his email accts.

So after work one day I go in there to look at the towers since all I really needed was a new tower for my computer my monitor had already been replaced and still in good condition. After looking at a few towers I settled on one that was a really good computer and had plenty of room for me to grow into it. I am so impressed on how much faster this computer is then my own one which I still have hooked up since I still need to finish transfering stuff over to the new comp.

Finally as expensive as this month has become I finally broke down and went out and replace my phones and modified my phone service to fit my needs less minutes and more texting and unfortunately a data plan that I had to get with one of the phones and well I added it to both phones. So now I have a new comp., new phones and if that wasn't enough I went out and purchased a new Ipod touch which I have to start loading up with music. I already have about 5 movies on there now. Well the rest of the month went by pretty smoothly without another big item purchase.
Boy was that an expensive month.

Love of a Daughter

I have come to realize that I have a very special daughter who has been through a lot and still tends to shine through it all. Even though both my daughter and son have had to deal with a great deal of change throughout the years my daughter has always been able to keep her head up. She has a true optimistic spirit within her that keeps her always looking toward the positive even when things don't look good. My son on the other hand was more like me a realist that knew that bad things happen to us and that is just part of life.

With all of trials and tribulations that have been dealt to our family, my daughter has proven to be the strongest and sometimes the glue that held us all together. Even after the death of my son, she held it together not just for her sake but for the sake of both her mom and I. Being there for her mom even if she was shutting her out for most part of it until recently when she has been coming out from under the cloud that was hanging over her head for the past 6 mos. My daughter was there for all the hand holding when it was required and giving space when that was all that was needed.

As for me my life over the years has been set with all that I could possibly handle the lost of both parents. Two failed marriages and now the lost of my son. Through it all I tried to keep it all together but it has been difficult. After the divorce of my first wife I had fallen into a rut of sorts trying to forget about a failed marriage and being a absentee father to a certain degree. Even after going through another marriage which brought a whole new set of issues to overcome I still was failing as being a parent. Then finally when my son came to live with me things started to make amends little by little.

As for my daughter I will have to admit with my son living with me he was getting all of my attention but I still kept in contact with her and even felt guilty if I hadn't spoken to her for a few days or as much as a week. I realize now that even though my son had most of my attention my daughter wasn't far from my thoughts as were the roles reversed in Ex's house with my daughter and son. But now that he is gone all we both have is my daughter and for all that she is to us she is a Godsend in so many ways.

Since my son has gone the bond between the two of us has grown so much with the daily calls even to the point of her being my back-up alarm for me she is just too good to me. We have spent a lot more time with each other taking her on her errands and as she puts it is always an adventure going with me kind of like a little kids fascination with making a trip to the store with dad. But for me I have to say the thing that I have enjoyed the most is that fact that now for the past few months I have been picking her to come over to my house and we would spend time together. Whether it be just kicking back at home or on little shopping trips I can say that if it wasn't for those weekly visits just the two of us my life would be pretty empty and know that my daughter loves and always will.

Taking time off to finally rest.

After six long months of working to take my mind off of my loss my body has finally said I need to take a break. I have been working so much just to keep myself keep occupied and help me to take my mind off of my loss. In most part that was working okay but I couldn't keep up at that rate with little to no rest in between. So now is the time to take it off and try to deal with other things in my life and try to close up other areas.

During that time I have had the opportunity to have my daughter come and spend some time with me mainly watching disaster movies but also when I had my fridge delivered, she was there to help me out cleaning it out and getting ready for the new one that was being delivered that day. I have learned to really appreciate the time we spend together and in essence it was like starting over again getting close to each other, and although I wish it would of happened under better circumstances I am truly glad that we are doing it now.

I had just realized that the 6 month mark had come and gone and I didn't even realize that it had only cause I spent the day with my daughter again and being that we were together just goofing off and watching, yes you guessed it another disaster movie series. The day passed by without even a thought about my son, I kind of feel guilty that it happened but maybe the quality time I was spending with her was good cause it kept the sadness out or even give it a chance to re-appear to put a damper on my day.

I do truly miss him and wish I could her from him again but I know that may never happen. I am glad that his mom was able to get some words of encouragement to be able to finally to start to move on even though it may still take some time for her, cause I am still going through that healing process. I wish that I could be able to get rid of all the guilt I feel inside and know that there was nothing that I could have done that would of changed the outcome. Because I feel like I let everyone down cause he died under my care and under my watch, there is no amount of blame that anyone can throw on me that I haven't done already, and now all I can do is try to put my mind at ease which I doubt I will ever be able to do totally.

I will be picking up my daughter up again tomorrow partly for a building project and mostly to spend time with her and even though we talk a lot on the phone or online or even on our little adventures to the stores which we both agree is more then just running errands it is time to hang out and just goof off making each other laugh. I really enjoy those times as much as if we were spending it going to the movies or any other place of interest. One thing I do know is that I am truly grateful for her being in my life because after the loss of Josh I think I would of taken my own life if it wasn't for her to be there to pick up the pieces in my life. She is the one true reason I have hung on this long and will continue to believe that there are still things worth living for out there. I Love You Mija more then you will ever know. Cause you have become the glue that holds my life together and for that I am truly grateful.

The End of Another Chapter

All things came to an end and for me this year has been one ending after another. The year started out wanting things that I had put off for some time well that dream came to an abrupt ending due lack of funds. Whatever amount I had were dissolved because funds had to be used for other more pressing purposes.

After so many years of separation we finally decided to go ahead and file for the divorce. It was time to finally put an end to that chapter in our lives an although I may have had my reason for keeping it that way for so long in the end I guess everything happens for a reason. I know that I was told by far too many people that I was a fool and they would of cut her off long before I ever did. But I had my reasons and wouldn't go against it unless she was ready to finally file. I am not sure what that is at the moment, but whatever it ends up it is all in the past now.

Well as she had finally decided it was time to move on cause there was nothing left to hang on to and I was in agreement with her on that fact. We finally took the steps to get it done and as it turned out it was a amicable divorce neither party was out to screw the other and we still part as friends. Hopefully all will end well and their will be no problems in the future. As for me I guess I was kind of numb at first cause as much as the marriage was over there was a part of me that hated the fact that this was my second failed attempt at a happy marriage

I remember discussing this with my kids from my first marriage about now all I had to was wait the required 6 month period for it to be final. They both wondered why it was going to to have to take that long for it to be final and all I could say is that I guess it is what they call the cooling off period in case either party or both change their mind about getting divorce. This way they don't have to get re-married all over again.

So now all I had to do was play the waiting game until the eventful day finally made it way closer to the end. Along the way we lost some family members her brother-in-law and my son both suddenly and only weeks apart from each other death. The pain of losing my son still hurts inside but I guess I am learning how to deal with it a little more each day.

With all of this going on there were still the constant new issues that were going on at work that were definitely taking it's toll on my monthly income. I guess sooner or later I will have to make adjustments to my monthly expenses to compensate for the decrease in funds. But maybe I have just living to costly and life and need to really take step back and make the changes to cut things out.

This summer has come and it almost gone but that eventful day came and left without even as much as a thought about it. I guess I have seen too many people go through amicable divorces and when that day arrives there usually a certain amount of sadness that goes with it but for me it was nothing more then a joking session of me finally being able to call myself single again. Of course that is not what I truly feel cause I guess I have been kind of dead inside for a long time. Just numb enough to not really feel anything.

So now my life begins again no longer married, or separated but officially Divorced and Single again for the first time in over 15 yrs. Although I am not looking to change that anytime soon i am also not shutting the door to the possibility sometime in the future. I have been through a lot this past year and now starts that new chapter of being Single again. I only wish my son was here with me to not have start this out all alone. I really miss him and nothing that happens to me in the future will mean a whole lot without him here to share it. So for now all I can do is only take it one day at a time as I have done since he died.

My Apology to the one that matters the most to me.

I have just finished reading a very sad and touching story. I only wish I could that things could be different but unfortunately they are not. As anyone who may have read my previous blog they would know that I recently lost my son and has turned my life upside down. I have been in this fog for the past few months and it is starting to take it's toll on my me. I struggle each day to get started partly cause I am lazy and mostly cause I just can't seem to want to crawl out of bed to pretend that my life is okay and that I am getting over the pain of this loss of him in my life. But this is something that will be with me for some time to come no matter I try to put it behind me it is always going to be there. I know that over time this pain will subside and be easier to deal with, but in the meantime I continue to present the charade of pretending that I am okay.

But that is another story altogether, this message is dedicated to my loving daughter who I have grown to enjoy all our conversations and little outings we have had over the past few months, even though they may be only for errands of some sort we have learned to make the most of it. I am truly grateful that she is in my life and I don't want to hurt her in anyway, but sometimes during our conversations things that come out my tend to really make her sad. I don't always realize that the idle words that come out of your mouth can do more damage to them then if you did them on purpose.

So to my beautiful daughter I just want to say that I am truly sorry for being so down on my life in front of you. You deserve the same shoulder to cry on that both your mother and I have been dumping on you. I always wonder how you are truly holding up and you always reassure me that you are doing well and that you have your friends to help you pick your spirits up. With both your mom and I dealing with this in our own ways I know that you had to be going through a lot more then you ever led on to. I just want you to know that I am a good listener too not just someone to spend time with. I love you with all my heart and don't want you to suffer any additional pains on account of me.

What I have learned to appreciate are those people in your life that are always around to help you up and dust you off and then send you off on your merry way. These are the type of people that are truly to be cherished. Well my daughter is one of those people for me in my life cause without her comforting words to me I think I would of given up on my life a long time ago after my son died. I really am grateful for her being that person for me. I only wish that I could return the favor to her. I know that she is trying to do her best being there for her mother and then me on the side.

I just want to leave this little note. We seldom know how we affect other peoples lives and how much they may appreciate people them, but every once in a while it would be nice to just let them know what they mean to you and how much easier life has been with them in our lives. So here is to you my Mija I love you and appreciate you more then you will ever know. I will always be there for you and I know that we will all get through this and don't forget if you need a shoulder to cry on you can always call me and I promise that things will be different and maybe even venture out to a movie providing it is something that I will enjoy too.

Family is something that we all need to hang on to cause who can love us more then our own family, and if we hold strong to that we will be able to endure most things in our life. I know I can't promise to be around forever but I will definitely try my best to be there for you.

No Relief in sight

I start each day wondering why I am still here and he is gone and I can't help but thinking that it wasn't fair that he was taken away so young before he really was able to enjoy his life. I know he had medical problems but he should of been allowed to live long enough to enjoy his life. I have been able to enjoy things in life and he was taken far to soon to have that opportunity.

I come home everyday after work and do all I can to keep from bouncing off the walls or going crazy knowing that I am all alone once again and wishing not to wake up in the morning because the pain of going on is just too painful. I try to block things out when I am at work and doing a pretty good job of with all the distraction but once I get home I feel like I just can' t take it anymore. I just want to be finally put out of my misery of not having him here with me.

I know I have a beautiful daughter in which I have loved spending time with when I can but even as much as I love her and grateful for having her in my life it still doesn't really replace the fact that I no longer have my living with me and every time I walk into his room all I can see is him lying there for the last time lifeless knowing that he had to be all alone when this happen and I couldn't even be there to help him.

And even now all I want to do is here his voice one more time knowing full well that may never happen. So all I have is that last image of him in my head and I just can't seem to shake it out of my mind. I really do wish that it had been me that was taken and not him cause I wanted him to get better and their was just no relief in sight and things only got steadily worse as the days went by.

It has been over 4 months now and all I want is for the pain to go away but how can I ever hope that healing will ever take place when I couldn't even count on the healing to take place in his life and give him a fighting chance to live out his life. Some days all I can do is hate God for taking him away from me and other times I just don't know any more what to believe. All I know that my faith was finally crushed by this and I am not sure I will ever recover from this loss in my life.

All I can do is wish that some day this will all come to an end an I can finally start the rebuilding that is needed for me to really recover from this loss and not have to mask my sadness that I keep to myself. But for the mean time all I can say is that there is no relief in sight for me at the moment. All I can do is wait until I can finally block out that image of him for good and only remember all the happy times. To be able to keep him close to my heart with nothing but thoughts of happier times when he was still around.

For all of you that know what I am going through I now really understand the fact of losing a child which in my opinion is far greater then losing a parent in which I have lost both of mine and now my son. And for those of you that still have your children and parents I wish that you never have to suffer this type of pain ever in your life.