When will this pain finally go away

It has been 2 months now and I keep wondering how much longer is my heart going to hurt like this. The pain I feel inside sometimes gets to be so bad that I wish I would never wake up but I know that my son would want me to live on. Sometimes it just seems easier to just give up and not care or feel anymore. I know that I must go on but I think I am fighting a losing battle of wills here. The strong side gets me up every day and helps me make it through the day but the weak side of me just wants to crawl in a bed wasting away feeling sorry for myself for his loss and then there is the other part that is just filled with anger and bitterness for him being taken away from me.

Believe me when I say this I even feel guilty for days when I have a normal day cause I feel I should still be mourning his death and not enjoying life or at least attempting to enjoy it. I mean really I haven't gone anywhere special to say that I don't allow myself to go out and do things with others with the exception of visiting my Daughter and Ex at least once a week. I wish things were better but there is so much going on in my life that are on the negative side that I just feel like I am sinking into all the crap that keeps coming my way.

At work I have friends that I talk to and sometimes even joke around with but all it takes is just a little reminder of my son and I start falling in that tailspin again. I know that people keep telling me to get out or even get away for a little while but I really have no desire to do any of that all I can do is deal with it in my own way and in my own time trying to be strong when I can and allowing myself those moments of mourning and remembering him for all that he meant to me.

As I had stated in previous blogs he was everything to me my son , friend, my computer tech person but most of all he was my reason for living cause I cared so much for him that when he died I felt like a big part of me died with him. I can only hope for whatever it is worth I will be able to get along without him. Cause as of right now I really don't see that happening or at least not for some time to come.

Dealing with the Emptiness

Feeling the emptiness inside my heart since my son has died is taking it's toll on me. I have moments when I am doing okay or at least I pretend I am okay but deep down I can't shake the pain of the emptiness I feel that dictates how my day will go. I get up every day and struggle to get started cause my routine has changed since my son passed away.

My son was a big part of my life and one of the main reason for living. He had become such a major part of my life since he moved in with me 5 yrs ago. It was my second chance to get to know him better and we had become so close to each other that we pretty much spent most of my time at home together. Because basically all we had were each other and the reason being that both Josh and I were loners in our own way. He had what friends he had online and I basically had a few friends I talked with but never really went anywhere with them. So we had to rely on each other to for the up close one on one.

When Josh was diagnosed with Diabetes and various other problems I felt for him but never more than in his last few months when he was in a lot of pain and I felt helpless cause I couldn't do anything to make his life better or to be less in pain. All I could do is sit there pray for the pain to go away and that he wouldn't suffer anymore. I really regret that I didn't do more for him and now that he is gone I only have that empty feeling that comes when something is ripped out of your life without warning. And for all my prayers and wishes I was left resentful that his life was cut short.

So today on of all days Memorial day I am left her to remember my son and the life he lived. For all the friends that loved him and were touched by his spirit of putting others first before himself. I will always love my son and for all he has brought to my life, from his loving nature to his computer savvy that helped me when I had a problem. His presence will be truly missed by myself his sister and mother who had to settle with loving him from afar. I am sure the three of us will carry that last day with him in our hearts forever.

So now as sit here thinking about my loss and the emptiness that I feel I can only say that it will be a long time before that emptiness goes away if it goes away at all. For those of you that know what I am talking about I feel for you and for those who have not experienced this type of loss I hope that you never have to cause the pain is greater than any one person can handle on their own. For which I am trying to do when I say that I am taking it day by day and hoping that someday the pain will dull to an amount I can deal with. I know I will get over this cause I have lost both my Father and Mother in my life but the hardest to swallow was the loss of my son and always will be.

Some day I will look back at this time in my life as part of the lowest of my life and know that some how I was able to get through this with all of the pain that was caused. I only hope that I will be a stronger person for making it but only time will tell. Cause if I have learned anything from this experience is that no one knows when there time will come and I only hope that I will have touch those lives I have come in contact with as my son did with his life.

A Happy Birthday that wasn't

Today was my son's birthday and instead of being a happy moment for me it was a very sad day and although I spent the day with his mom and sister I can't seem to forget the emptiness I felt inside knowing that Josh was no longer there to participate in the event. After all it should of been a happy time for us all but instead we were robbed of the privilege of spending his 28th birthday together.

We got together trying to keep our spirits up and watching movies but when the day finally came to an end I couldn't help but think how much I missed him and wished he was still here enjoying this time with us together. For my daughters sake I wished this could of been a happier moment.

Losing a child at an early age is devastating but losing them when you have grown so attached to them is something else. I really wish that this day would of been a happier time but his absence kind of put a dull somber mood on the day. Some day I know that I will be able to look back and remember all the happy times that were spent on this day but for now all I a have is emptiness and longing for his return.

I really wish that he hadn't been taken so soon but maybe for him continuing to suffer had put such a strain on his heart that he didn't have it in him to fight to hang on anymore. No one should have to see their child suffer so bad but in some ways I kept hoping that the pain would go away and he would still be here today. Joshua made a difference in my life and in those of the friends that came in contact within his last few years of life.

My son gave his all for his friends and cared for those he loved even though he was enduring a tremendous amount of pain and a fight for his life. I wish I could of done something to take away his pain but it was out of my hands and no matter how much he hurt, he still tried to hang on until I guess he just couldn't take it anymore and just gave up.

I love you Josh, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel this loss in my heart. I will force myself to get up an make an effort to go on cause I know that is what you would want me to do as you always told me to not worry about you. I know you were only trying to be brave but deep down for every moment that I saw you in pain I felt the anguish and desperation in your eyes and I couldn't do anything to make it go away. I am sorry you had to suffer so much.

Mijo please forgive me for not doing a better job of taking care of you. You were my whole life and reason for living and now all I can do is live with the memories of you in my heart. I only wish that where ever you are you are no longer suffering and I hope to see you again some day under happier times. May you rest in Peace.

In Memory Of Josh

Yesterday I lost my son, His time was cut far too short and I am lost without him. He was my companion, friend and basically my shoulder to lean on. He was taken away from me suddenly even though I know he was in a lot of pain and basically lost his will to live. I don't know how else to say it but he meant everything to me and I will always be grateful for our companionship.

He had been suffering for sometime now and I really don't know just how much it was except to say that he was tired of living with all the pain and not getting any better. I only wish there was something that I could of done to ease his pain and now it appears that I am now the one suffering and in pain. I know people will tell me that maybe he is in a better place right now or that at least he is not suffering anymore and I don't want to feel selfish but I would rather he was still here with me. Cause now I am the one suffering from the loss of his life.

Joshua was in his own little world playing his online games and the only friends he had were those he had from all the gaming communities he was in. I wanted to reach out to some of them but my son in his isolation password protected his computer and I can't even get in there to go through his emails or messengers to spread the word to them. I don't know why I feel the need to do that but he was my son and he deserved more then life dealt him.

Part of me is really resentful for all of this and then there is the other part that thinks why did this have to happen to him and not to me. It is hard enough losing a parent or sibling to death, but that pain is just so much more when it is your child that is taken from you. I know that is mom loved him more then words could say and I feel for her at this time too, but being that he was living with me our relationship was so much closer and it just is not fair that his life was cut short.

We had got together one last time as a family and that was something that my son had wanted and maybe he knew something or maybe he just needed to spend time with all of us one more time. I wish to God that it had not happen this way finding him that way. It was like all my fears of coming home and finding him gone had been going through my head for the past few months and when that became a reality I just don't know what else is there. He was my life as much as I was his and I would not wish this on anyone the pain I feel inside now that he is gone.

I only hope that I will be able to pick myself up from all of this after it is all said and done. I will always miss him and carry him in my heart. He was one of the main reason I got everyday and went to work and came home and repeated the process day in and day out. I feel like a big chunk of my life was just ripped away from me an for that I am really bitter and resentful for it happening. And sorry but no amount of sympathy or well wishes will ever replace that loss.

I will always love you Josh with all my heart.

In Memory of Joshua A. Baca

4-24-1981 to 4-6-2009

MAY YOU REST IN PEACE NOW

Inspiring Reading

Regardless of how religious you are, this is very true. This is a great interview with Rick Warren. He wrote the Purpose Driven Life.

People ask me, What is the purpose of life?

And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for..

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems: If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people. You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.

It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit.. We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?

Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.

That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.

Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.

Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.

Painful moments, TRUST GOD.

Every moment, THANK GOD.

If you do not pass it on, nothing will happen. But it will just be nice to pass it on to a friend....just like I have done.

God's Blessings

Three Things

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -

Time, Words & Opportunity

Three things in life that may never be lost -

Peace, Hope & Honesty.

Three things in life that are most valuable -

Love, Faith & Prayer

Three things in life that are never certain -

Dreams, Success & Fortune

Three things that make a man -

Hard work, Sincerity & Commitment

Three things in life that can destroy a man -

Lust, Pride & Anger

Three things that are truly constant -

Father, Son and Holy Ghost

I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today;

to guide you and protect you, as you go along your way.

His love is always with you, His promises are true.

And when you give Him all your cares, you know He'll see you through.

Pass this along to People you want God to Bless - I just did!

SMILE . . it adds value to your face

Imperfections

Imperfections--

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course , the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Don't Give Up

One day I decided to quit...

I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. 'God', I asked, 'Can you give me one good reason not to quit?' His answer surprised me...

'Look around', He said. 'Do you see the fern and the bamboo?' 'Yes', I replied. 'When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.

In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.

'In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit.

In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit.' He said.

'Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant... But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.

It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.

I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle.' He asked me. 'Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots'.

'I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.' 'Don't compare yourself to others.' He said. 'The bamboo had a different Purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.'

'Your time will come', God said to me. 'You will rise high' 'How high should I rise?' I asked. 'How high will the bamboo rise?' He asked in return. 'As high as it can?' I questioned.

'Yes.' He said, 'Give me glory by rising as high as you can.' I left the forest and brought back this story.

I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you. Never, Never, Never Give up.

For the Christian Prayer is not an option but an opportunity. Don't tell the Lord how big the problem is, tell the problem how Great the Lord is!

Heavens door open this morning, God asked me... My CHILD... what can I do for you?' and I said 'Father please protect and bless the one reading this message.

God smiled and answered ... 'request granted .....

This message is now in your hands. What will YOU do with it? send this to others. You never know when GOD is going to bless you!!

Good things happen when you least expect them to !!!!

Words to Live By

From Deacon Ben Gross.

These words were discovered in one of Mother's prayer books after she passed on.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you succeed, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, others may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough for some people.
Give the world your best anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.

I Believe

I BELIEVE.................

That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe-
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe-
that true friendship continues to grow,even over the longest distance.Same goes for true love.

I believe-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe-
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe-
that you can keep going
long after you can't.

I believe-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I believe-
that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had
better be something else to take its place.

I believe-
that heros are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I believe-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe-
that it isn't always enough to be
forgiven by others. Sometimes you
have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe-
that no matter how bad your
heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe-
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

I believe-
that you shouldn't be so eager
to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I believe-
that two people can look at the exact
same thing and see something totally different.

I believe-
that your life can be changed
in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you ...
you will find the strength to help.

I believe-
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I believe-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.