2012: A Hope For Better Things To Come

     I wanted to believe that things would be different this year, but as luck would have it started out pretty much the same.  With the one definite difference,  tax season has become more a hopefulness as opposed to the dreading the dismal outcome.   But I guess the prospect of gain always changes ones outlook on life.  Instead of anticipating how much it is going to cost me I now wait to see how much I might actually get back. 

      I have learned to start to put it all behind me, but there are still those moments where the pain still seeps in and draws the tears out.  They are coming fewer and fewer occurrences of that but still sometimes it comes on with the slightest remembrance from a movie or song.  It is funny how things can spring a world of thoughts that you have keep pinned up inside but I have learned to keep the sadness down to the minimum.  Now I don't whether I should feel guilty for not mourning enough.  I hurt that he is gone but I also know that I can't just stop living although in the beginning that is pretty much all I want to do in my own way. 

     Well there I go again drifting off because it is just so easy to do so.  Life was a little easier to handle this year but it was all in the matter of taking it slow and holding on to the love that I have for daughter to pick me up when I was sad and needed a happy thought to boost me back up.  The year was my first time I have 4 vacations at my disposal but unfortunately 2 of them were wasted when I ended up being sick during both of them and almost back to back during the month of March the rest was great but would of rather have spent it in a more enjoyable fashion I mean not that I really ever go anywhere for my vacations but being sick for the majority of the time off is no fun at all.   

     As for the rest of the first half of the year I had a chance to purchase the new Ipad in which I ended up giving my daughter the older model which she has really enjoyed as I have noticed of her lately and of course this on top of the Kindles that I ended up getting for both her and her mom.  As for me I did the robot thing I got up and went to work and then came home and vegetated in front of the boob tube and zone out until going to bed for the the night. 

      For the most part the rest of the year went by without too much excitement I mean aside from the time spent with my daughter it was just another year extremely hot during the summer and then some as the heat wave didn't know when to quit. Finally we were reprieved by a little rain storm that lasted a couple of days was miserable to drive through but all in all I was grateful to be cooling off just a little.  Even thought I am not much of a fan of rain I guess it has it's purpose here to help water things and help clean the air every so often and that is good.

      What can I say about the last quarter of the year except it was cooler although we were still having some really high temperatures for this time of year.  September and October flew by so fast I couldn't believe it but you would never know it with they way stores are always preparing for the next holiday so we went from getting ready for back to school season then jumped right into Halloween, and then you blink and pop here comes the turkey trimmings.  But come on Turkey day was still weeks away and guess what Christmas decorations are being sprawled all over the place.  They just don't miss a beat do they. 

      December started with a little bit of  issue down on the docks, cause due to a walk-out by one of our fellow locals I ended up taking my planned last vacation but this was intended to begin the following week but because of the strike I ended going on it earlier and for a longer stay then intended so I had a nice 11 day off vacation just before Christmas.  This had a two fold issue I got the rest I needed but it also cause a unwanted cash strain for the next few weeks which kind of put a bummer on the season for me.  Cause even if I don't really participate I do at least like to give money out to the grand kids, that is honorary grand kids.  So it was another non-Christmas, Christmas for me.  

       So as the year wound down I have to say thank you to my daughter again because it became a contest of sorts to see how many Christmas movies we could watch this season a lot of them we had seen before plus a whole slew of new ones that came out this year.  It was a great ending to another quick year so now I sit here waiting to see what they new year brings.

      Oh and one last thought who knew that the Mayans were going to run out of writing space on that wheel and the whole world was already for appending doom.  Who knew ?

It Was Just A Blur

      I don't know where all the time went these past couple of years. My previous blog that was to catch up the year of 2010 was written the beginning of 2012 and dated for January of 2011.  Well that catching up process was going to continue but for whatever reason I just seemed to lose track of time of the whole mess until it was just a blur in my mind with the days just melding into to one another.   

        So  I like to say that all has been well since my son past away in 2009 but unfortunately it has been far from that and although.  I have been able to put a good front in regards to the loss of him so as to not have the constant sympathy pats on the back or shoulder.  But all in all I think I am doing pretty good on the outside but inside I have to live with the thought was there anything I could of done to prevent this from happening.  I guess I will never truly know but I do wish that I could hear my son's voice just one more time to let me doing he is truly in a better place and not suffering more then he did here. 

        I find this kind of odd that all these years I have had my computer at home and all the time in the world to write another blog  and here I am at work typing my second one it this week while I am on my break, which means this is definitely going to improve my typing ability on this keypad I bought for my Ipad.   Time I usually spent watching tv or playing games or even a little web searching and of course those pop appearances on FB well anyway I should get back to my blog  before the notion of writing a blog becomes a blur. 

          So as I said earlier 2011 went by rather quickly in a blur of motions and partly in a fog as if I was there but not really there enjoying time spent with my daughter cause that has become my new favorite thing to do spending time with her cause I have already lost one I would hate to lose another for whatever reason it would happen especially without the chance to spend all the time possible with the one last thing that means the world to me.   She is special in all her various ways and as I have said in the past, she brightens up my day and going a day without hearing her voice for a brief chat. I will never share the kind of bond that she has with her mom , nor will she ever share what I had with my son but what we have together is something really special that I wouldn't ever give up.  

          There I go again trailing off into other directions can't seem to keep my mind on the same discussion.  Anyway the year went by as it always does.  The beginning of the year use to be a time of grateful of my vacation check but at the same time dreading the possibility having to pay more in taxes then I have put away for, and hoping to have enough left to be able to get my kids things for their birthday.  So when I actually had enough to get them the things I was grateful maybe not as much as they were but for the most part it has always been more about spending time together  then anything else. 

          The rest of the year went by pretty uneventful flying by as the first part it did.  My birthday came and went just like any other day.  As I watch it all go by in just one big blur all I can do is look forward to the weekends, well Sunday really when I have my weekly get together with my lovely daughter.  I keep thinking someday the pain inside will slowly go away, but it is getting easier to make it through the day without pretending to be happy. 

           I remember the holiday season approaching knowing that since losing my mom this has always been the toughest part of the year to get through.  I guess the adding strain of  Josh no longer being around to bring what little Christmas spirit into the house it has become a cold dark place again and even though I bury myself in Christmas movies I still am unable to have the holiday spirit at all.  Well this year has finally came to and end and I have all of 2012 to look forward to in hopes that it will be a better year for me.  Wishing all the best and trying to believe it will.

I Can't Believe Finally Read Them All

        I set out to play catch up and read all of my mija's  blogs which was long overdo.  This little adventure started all the way back in the year of 2005 or 2006 which one I am not sure at this moment.  I got to read all the highs and lows in here life that she is sometimes not able to express verbally but it made it all that much nice reading into her thoughts and her creativity.  I must agree that I am blessed with a really imaginative daughter who has always been able to get lost in her books, movies and  RP games in which her creativity really shines.  

        I have always been grateful for her outlook on life cause she was born with a handicap that she has not let hinder or diminish her desire to strive to be something that you wouldn't expect of a person with her handicap.  Although it may have meant that she had to be given special reading material, but she is still the one that has to do the work and that she accomplished all that and got a BA in Anthropology.  Her love for things of old has channeled into thing of the past some of it on the dark side but all in the name of Role Playing her new love which perfect with her life cause of her creative mind.  

        Well anyway back to the point of this blog in the first place it has been a very long time since I actually wrote a blog the last blog I wrote a few months back but I back dated it to start of the year being 2012 and the slowly but surely do a little catch up blogging to bring everyone more caught up with my life over the years even though I really only have one follower to my blog and that is my lovely daughter who I have been spending a lot of time with either on  the phone or by texting and IMing each other.  Well I am not sure if any of her followers have strayed into  my blogs as seeing me as one of her followers too. 

         Well I will have to get back to this a little later as I am doing this while I am here at work and on my lunch break and it is almost over so I will have to continue this later when I get home or maybe a little more on my next break so bye for now will be back soon.  Well time flies when you are having fun here it is break time again so I will try to bang out some more lines and get it on the way to the printer so to speak. 

         I think I am dedicating this blog to my loving daughter who by reading her blogs has brought all the emotions you can think of from sadness to laughter and even a bit of anger to a point.  Through her blogs she has made me realize how special she really is to her Mother and I,  cause no matter how insane life gets she trudges on most of the time with a smile on her face and a song in her heart.  Sometimes that song even seeps out to those of us around here even when ppl look at here and think why is she so happy go lucky as they use to say many many years ago.  And of course it use to be happy and gay but of course that has a totally different meaning now a days.

         Mostly I like reading her blogs cause of the way she sees things in her eyes and all I can do is wish I can be as imaginative and creative as she is and the truth of the matter is when I was younger I had all the imagination a kid is suppose to have and created my own worlds that only I played in and everyone had to look from afar so I now see how my kids ended up with some of those traits and their mom had her own things that were picked up on and multiplied through our kids.  The funny thing is they like us have never really been bored because whether by creative means or just a having vivid imaginations they never allow themselves to get bored either.  

      I remember when I used to pick them up for the weekend they would bring their entire fort set up to play at my house and there they would spend most of the morning setting it all up so that they could play for hours until we leave the house and then the disappointment when they have to tear it down before leaving the house for the day.  They were so much fun to watch them  play together not fighting but playing, not saying that they didn't have their differences but they always got settled and were back playing again. I really miss those days seeing them playing together like that.

         Well typing this all up on this Ipad has been fun and a little bit exasperating cause I'm having to type blindly cause the bottom line disappears and I can't actually see what I am typing and it is just frustrating and I want to pull my hair out but darn I shave it all off yesterday so with that I guess this is a good place to finish this up so that is all for now.