Kitty on the Prowl

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss Thinks I'm lying.


On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply Mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy To explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come Reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts Going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll Only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, Hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I Squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It Is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered, and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done- that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the Paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... ... and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury I kept silent, Claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!


Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
.

The Bride

The young bride approached her eager husband on
their wedding night and
demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.
In his highly aroused
state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
love for the next 30
years, him thinking it was a cute way for her
to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her
husband in a very drunken
state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the
ravages of financial ruin
caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on
him, a 50 year old junior
executive.
Calmly, she loaded him into her car and drove down
to the downtown
hotel. Pointing to fine structure she informed
him that he owned the
land it was built on and that they paid him $6000
per month rent. She then
handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest
for 12 years totaling
nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the
parking lot she gestured
toward the local bank while handing him stock
certificates worth nearly $2
million dollars and informing him that he was the
largest stockholder in the
bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged
him each time they had
sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head
against the side of the
car. She asked him why the seemingly
disappointment at such good news
and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing,
I would have given you
ALL of my business!"

Horror Story

OK, it says it's real, I don't know. I kind of doubt it, but I guess it
could be...
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even
when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and
in the middle of a storm.
The night was rolling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could
hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards
him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closes the door just
to realize there's nobody behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy
looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way Scared, he starts to
pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before
he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they
are before a curve.
The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to the nearest
town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of
tequila and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went
through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying
and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said
to the other.
"Look Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing
it."